It's been a tough few weeks, so it's no wonder I've needed some Blog and Retail Therapy to get thru it! So while I regale you with some Gorgeous Images taken at my Friend Shelly's Shop SIRENS AND SAINTS we'll talk about why it's been so rough shall we?
As many of you know from a previous Post, The Son, his Girlfriend and the G-Kid Force were in a Serious Car Accident during the July 4th Holiday. Prince R was the only one who wasn't hurt and hasn't had a tough time of it healthwise since the Accident due to Injuries. So it's been very Stressful for our Family and a lot of Worries and Medical Emergencies unfolding thru the present date.
I'm so Thankful for all of our Friends who have been so Thoughtful, Encouraging and kept us in their Prayers during this difficult time, you all totally ROCK, but then you knew that already, didn't you?!
I've been dealing Hands On with the Injury related health problems Princess T is enduring since the Accident. Unfortunately, when you're only Seven, there aren't a lot of options in the Medical Community for Neck and Back Injuries except for them to tell us to let it Heal Naturally... however long that might take... and try to make her Manage the Pain as best we can when she has it every Morning and Evening... easier said than done. And it's very difficult to Witness a Child Suffer and not be able to really DO anything to Comfort them sufficiently. I'd rather take on the Suffering myself than see a Child Enduring it.
The Son hasn't been able to Work since the Accident and has been in intense Pain constantly and going through Treatments, so he's been very 'down'. Then last Night I got the Call that he was having a Medical Emergency and had to be rushed into the ER by Paramedics and admitted to the Hospital because his kidneys were shutting down and he was bleeding from an unknown Internal source! Needless to say I couldn't sleep at all and my Concerns keep escalating each time we get News that the Doctors still can't figure out what's going wrong or why?!?
No matter how Old your Child gets, they never stop being your Child. And so you're just as Worried when something goes wrong in their Lives as you ever did, even once they reach Maturity, because your Natural Maternal Instinct never diminishes one iota towards your Children. Sometimes Men don't necessarily 'get' that, their Sons turn into Men and they Assume that the Mothers will no longer Worry about the Adult Sons once they're a Man... we do!!! It's part of Motherhood I guess for ALL of our Children regardless of their Age or Gender.
I once had a Friend who was in her late Nineties and her Daughter, also a Friend of mine, was in her late Seventies... guess what, the Mom STILL Worried about her Daughter when things went wrong... so see, it never diminishes and there is no expiration date on a Mother's Concern for her Child(ren).
So yes, I got just as discombobulated and Freaked Out when that Crisis Call came in as I would have when my Son was a Little Boy! And even though he's a Grown Man, he still needed and wanted me to know what was going on, to hear my Voice offering Advice, Encouragement and Words of Direction, Prayer, Comfort and Calm while he was waiting for the Paramedics to arrive. Even though I certainly wasn't Feeling Cool, Calm or Collected because I could tell it was really bad, and he was really in agony and scared, so in Reality I was Terrified also and too far away to be there in Person! But it's a Facade us Mother's can throw up in a New York Minute when one of our Kids needs us to be there for them and make them Believe everything is going to be alright.
Thankfully I have never been Prone to Panic in the midst of a Crisis... I can hold it down and keep it together DURING whatever I need to get through as all Hell is breaking loose. I usually Appear to be in complete Control of a Situation and my Emotions for the benefit of everyone else who needs me to be "That Person" in the Moment. But AFTERWARDS... when nobody can see or hear me Fall Apart and let down, I usually do in Private. I just see no Point or Purpose in Falling Apart in front of those that need you to be Strong for them or while you're needing to Handle something. I don't personally Feel very Secure, Safe or Directed around someone Going to Pieces or Prone to Panic in a Situation or Crisis. It wouldn't Instill Confidence in their Ability to get me or them through anything I needed to Partner Up with someone to get through and Survive. I wouldn't consider turning to someone who proved to be Useless in any way during Emergencies.
And frankly, since nobody knows or Loves your Kid(s) like you do, as a Mom, you definitely want them to keep you in the Loop when they're in Crisis and need someone "All In" and Solid to have their Back one hundred percent. You want to be the one they definitely plan on contacting during a Life Emergency because they know beyond a Shadow of a doubt that you will offer Faith, Hope, Support, Positive Energy and Strength to their Situation... and NOT additional Drama! I'm Thankful that The Son also has a Wonderful Girlfriend who is an "All In" and Solid, Strong Woman. Who obviously Loves him and has his Back one hundred percent too and wouldn't leave his side until Seven in the Morning when she had to get her three Girls off to their first day of School. I knew I couldn't be there, but knowing she was gave me, and him, so much Comfort and a Peace. I knew he was in Good Hands in every way and she'd Advocate for him if he couldn't.
And though things are still very precarious... I've got to Maintain my Peace about the Situation with everyone's Injuries and Health Issues and turn it over to The Lord in Trust to Deal with ultimately since it is all out of my Control and in His Hands.
That Releasing, especially as a Mom and Gramma, isn't always the easiest thing to do... taking your Hands off the Situation and acknowledging the Limits of your Part and what you can... and cannot DO. The Entrusting your Loved One(s) into the Hands of another... be it The Lord or a Medical Team... because the Outcome has variables that you dare not Consider as you Stand on Faith and Trust without Doubting that it will Hold and Prayer will be answered favorably.
And I Confess that I'm not one to Suffer Silently whilst waiting on Answer to Prayer... I tend to have my Heart to Heart Fits in Conversation with The Lord on how much I don't think I can take anymore... and the million and one Excuses as to why I don't want to be the one that has to Deal with ___________ !!! {Fill in the blank... there's been a virtual Laundry List of what I don't want to be the one that has to Deal with it!} And the 'Give me a Break!!!' requests are pretty constant.
I know He's Listening and that he Loves us, I just don't always Feel I know nor understand the Grand Plan and Divine Purpose regarding the Going Thru Process and what must be Endured in Faith for however long it takes. That part does Elude me... though I understand there is no Testimony without the Test.... and the Witness our Tests Impart beyond our own Lives can have Meaning we may never know. But sometimes you don't want to be the Poster Child for Endurance of Trials... I don't anyway, I'd prefer to be Crisis and Drama Free with just Normalcy and uneventful Routine to my days.
I Imagine anyways that some People actually have that... Normalcy and uneventful Routine to their Lives and their days. Maybe they have the rare Crisis or Trial every now and again... but at a Normal pace... not as their Constant and their 'Norm'? Maybe I'm wrong... maybe I just Perceive that its so with most folks and that's not accurate at all, just my Perception? I don't know. But my Fantasy would be to have that some day and not have Crisis piling up like cordwood and a Laundry List of things to be Dealing with simultaneously for extended periods of time, even years, with no real Breaks in it.
And it's not that we don't recognize the Blessings and don't have a Thankful Heart, we do. I'm sure there are some going thru so much more than we could ever Imagine and Handling it in ways that would Truly be Inspirational and a Powerful Testimony that ours pales by comparison. But when IT'S YOU, well, you do have the Rant, the Rave, the Pity Party when you're at Saturation Point and Defcon Five with what Life hands you. I think that's probably a 'Given' and not all that Rare a Reaction?
I'm a very Happy and Optomistic Person by Nature, I Love Life and I Love MY Life... so I don't feel Comfortable being 'Down' or staying 'Down' regardless of Circumstances and Situations... it's not my Usual state of 'Being'. So when Negative stuff keeps happening and coming against me and those I am Invested in, it Feels like an Attempt to Sabotage my Usual state of 'Being'. Does that make sense? Maybe I Personalize it too much, but that's just how it 'Feels' to me and so I'm very Resistant to allowing it to Alter my state of 'Being' or how I feel about Life in general.
I don't want to Allow Negative Events to Consume me or my Focus or distract me from Living a Life of Purpose on Purpose. I don't want to Live Reactively. And I certainly don't want to be or feel like a Victim or develop that Mentality, I find the Victim Mentality to be quite Sad and Tragic in and of itself in fact. It is not my Expectation to have a Tragic Life, I Believe I am Blessed and Highly Favored so I Operate on that basis, though I certainly realize we've been dealt a Hand that has had more than our fair share of Obstacles and Sorrows... and that's quite a dichotomy to wrap your Head around at times. Much to be Thankful for and yet much to Deal with as well.
And perhaps, if everything were Buttercups and Rainbows almost all of the time, would our Faith be as Strong and our Dependancy upon the Lord be as Pure? Would we be as Strong and Seasonsed at Dealing With stuff if it were only the rare Battle we found ourselves faced with? And if we were Weak in all of those areas, would we be Survivors or would we just Succumb? So it is something I sometimes Ponder. I've been doing a LOT of Pondering in fact.
Sometimes you don't know what you're really made of until put to the Test that would Reveal it. And it is during Tests that the Revelation comes for what IS IN YOU, and you're faced with it... Good and Bad... Weaknesses and Strengths. Knowing yourself well because you've 'Gone Thru' and had it Revealed is very Empowering. Just Assuming what you would do or how you would fare can be Deceptive if never actually Tested and Revealed in Real Life situations.
So... as we are 'Going Thru' difficult times I'm mindful to keep Centered by doing what keeps me Grounded and in tune with my Natural state of 'Being' regardless of circumstances. Accompanied by a bit of Blog and Retail Therapy it has been quite Therapuetic to continue doing what I Enjoy whilst also Dealing With the Crisis at hand as best we can and not Allow it to Change who we are at our Cores. I made a Promise to myself many, many, many years ago, in my Youth in fact, to find something to Laugh and Experience Pure Joy about every single day of my Life. I have been Faithful to Look for those reasons to Laugh and Experience Joy even on the darkest of days.
Because even the tiniest of Candles brought into the Darkness will Illuminate and chase the Darkness away. Once Light is brought in, the Darkness must simply Cease to 'Be'. This particular day that I took the series of Images I had my Laughter due to Crooky... who was being quite vocal about the unhappy fact he was inbetween the Sister Stores and not liking it one bit... the one that is Closed for the Summer and will Open again in Mid-August... and the one we were in, which couldn't Invite him inside because he can be a Rascal sometimes with the Inventory. Crooky was in a 'Difficult Situation' dealing with the unpleasant Heat of his Day, on the Outside looking In at those having a more Comfortable Day. I could Relate to him and his Attitude about it... and see the Humor in having our little Fits about it, like Petulant Children that want everything our way and to be all about us all of the time. Because it's not... all about us... there is a Greater Cause and Big Picture to our very Existance and we're each meant to Touch something and someone in a Divine way of Purpose that can Elude our feeble Understanding. We might not even know or realize what or who was Touched through us and Why?
And during these past tough few weeks I have realized a Refinement Process going on in me, causing me to be quite Introspective. Where I thought I was firmly Anchored I found myself Drifting some... and having to take stock and put down Anchor solidly again so that I wouldn't continue to Drift and get really far off Center. I didn't want to be Adrift in those areas and just going with currents.
Taking Stock is often a Necessary self-realization in the realm of our Emotional State and the Condition of our Heart. I find that when I'm Going Thru Crisis and Dealing with Stuff I tend to shut down Emotionally so I can have Optimum Function to do what needs to be done and keep things together without 'Feeling' very much... its rather robotic. And then the Feelings come, if you don't Suppress them... and sometimes sorting out those Feelings and sitting with them can be brutal... because not all of them are Pretty, Pleasant or Flattering.
I found myself, in spite of going into robotic mode to Deal with everything, actually being self-righteous about how everyone else SHOULD FEEL and React!!! Yep, I was trying to tell people how to feel!!! I wanted THEIR Feelings and Reactions to line up with MY Feelings and Reactions, as if how they Feel is somehow wrong if it didn't Mirror mine!!! So, for Example, when I was Freaking Out and Stressed about The Son's Medical Crisis and unable to Sleep... and The Man and the G-Kid Force seemed to take it in Stride with little Reaction or outward Emotional Expression, I got pissed off!!! Equating that with not Caring enough... not Feeling enough about how Serious the Situation actually was!!! And I got somewhat Upset with them all... because they were just going about having their Normal Day, including Blessed Slumber, seemingly oblivious, though they knew... but it wasn't affecting them quite the same as it was obviously affecting me, their level of Concern wasn't escalated... and that made mine all the more Magnified and Extreme!
Do you ever do that too my Friends? When something or someone has rocked your boat and everyone around you seem to be weathering the Storm differently... or indifferently... it hits you all wrong? That's where I was at for a Time... 'til I realized I was expecting them to be me and they're not... and I'm not the 'Feelings and Reactions Police' handing out Violations against Rules or Laws I simply made up to align with how I Feel and React. And really wasn't it better that they seemed to be handling the News Calmly rather than Panic Stricken since I was the one closer to the Edge this time after each Phone Call when I could finally 'Let Down' and 'Feel' my Feelings for a Moment?
Yes, I decided that it was best since at least then I didn't have to be Strong for any of them or deal with more if everyone were a wreck. I could Focus instead on being Strong for my Son when he needs me most... and the rest of them would be Okay for the Moment while my Focus was diverted elsewhere intently... and so everything was as it should be.
And we know that we'll be Uplifted and in the Prayers of all of our Friends and Family, which is very Comforting because we certainly can Feel the Love and Caring... and that is Powerful indeed!
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian