The Man had another Medical Emergency and a Huge Setback late last Night so I got the dreaded Call just before ready to retire for the Night. So between dragging overly tired Children out to Nursing Home, Emergency Room and Hospital from late at Night until the wee hours of the Morning... and back again to the Hospital today after Church... it was such a Relief to be able to Retreat to our Sanctuary here at Bohemian Valhalla sporadically. To attempt to Rest and Energize in the midst of what seems like perpetual Crisis and starting over again and again each time some progress seems to be being made.
I'm so Glad we got parts of the Home Decorated for the Holidays... even though other parts of it still look absolutely disastrous with deferred maintenance... because it's surrounded by the Cleaned, Styled Parts and Ambiance it imparts that I Feel most Relaxed and Happy, and able to have quiet Reflections within the Eye of the Storm.
I felt so badly for The Man, he'd worked so very hard towards the Progress he had made thus far... and it seemed to have been snatched away and erased in a moment's time and he couldn't hide his Discouragement and Fear. It can be difficult to rise to the occassion of adequately comforting a terrified and discouraged individual with confidence when you aren't really 'Feeling' it yourself. I Hoped I didn't appear equally Discouraged and Fearful and that the words offered sounded Confident and Sincere since they were at least Heartfelt even if they seemed to ring hollow in my own ears?
The G-Kid Force were beyond and on the far side of Tired and Cranky, as well as Scared about the most recent serious Medical Crisis of their Beloved Grandpa, so they were an Entourage under Protest and acting up a Storm. But there was no coverage for them, so the Eye of the Storm was just that much more Intense with the mixture of Crisis and Child Care Issues... it was something like being in a sinking Ship and knowing you're the Captain so you'll definitely be the last allowed to bail out and Save yourself. I will never again stand in judgment of any sinking Ship's Captain that panics enough to not go down with his Ship! It sounds Noble to stay on board, but Instinct is pulling at you to go for yourself before it's too late!
Yeah, I stayed with the sinking Ship and she took on a lot of water but managed not to do an Epic Titanic sink... we have remained afloat for now, constantly bailing water out and getting progressively Tired in the Process of staying on board a battered Ship not weathering it's Storms all that well... they've just been too Fierce and relentlessly long in a vast Ocean of Sorrows and Trials. At times I do feel like I'm drowning and don't have sufficient Life Preservers.
But it's been Nice to be able to come Home at the end of each day... or for intermittent times of the day as we Deal with everything. And I suppose that has been the hardest part for The Man, not being able to do the same... come Home... to our Personal Sanctuary where the Insulation of Family and Familiarity Resides twenty-four-seven. He's had so many changes in such a short period of time since the Accident... a level one Trauma Center to a Neurological Rehab Center to a Nursing Home Rehab to an ER and subsequent Admission to yet another Hospital. Too many new faces and situations to process in his current Condition... and its so difficult to see him have to go through all of this and be Helpless to 'fix' it and make it all right again.
I'm Weary of donning the Masquerade Mask of showing up with a Cheerful, Optimistic Countenance that isn't Real... I'm quite certain the Stresses and Strains are beginning to show behind the Mask enough that even he is Sensing it's merely a Facade? The answers to the difficult questions aren't what any of us wants or needs to hear right now either... and for many things there just aren't any answers at all that can be even remotely projected and the Unknown is an even scarier place to be.
And so we choose not to discuss most of the Important lingering Issues on Purpose... and focus most of our Conversations during Visits on what is easier to digest right now and cope with. I've found that when Life is Heavy it's often such a Relief to just talk about what is Light and Carefree. What is unimportant and trifles really, but is just Normal, regular Conversations about Life in General that are Easy to have because there's no Drama or Urgency and doesn't bring up a lot of Raw Emotion and Deep Issues that are the Elephant in the Room that everyone is trying very hard to Ignore, Avoid and just deal with Sharing the same space with!
You might as well broaden the range of Topics since otherwise the Elephant Sized matters will overshadow everything and everyone else in your World!!! And it gets really monotonous and stale just talking Elephants!
After all, the Elephant will remain as long as it will so it needn't always be the Topic or Focus even though it looms Large and needs a lot of Care and Attention. And is pretty hard to just maneuver around as you try to go about the rest of your Life beyond Dealing with it ... because, well... it's an Elephant out of place and you're not really a skilled Elephant tamer or Circus Performer, so you're out of your Element taking Care of it as well. And most folks I know aren't any more adept at Elephant Wrangling either, so it's just an awkward and burdensome Topic.
You're thinking... couldn't we just have another Cat or a Dog? Why an Elephant? Crisis can be like that, the Magnitude of them is what breaks you... or threatens to... everyone can deal with Something... to a degree. But when that Boundary has been crossed on the size and magnitude of what you're up against and it's so dauntingly Big and won't budge... it now transcends being the size and scope of what you have Confidence to take Care of by yourself for however long you have to. By myself I can take care of a Cat or a Dog sized Crisis or Issue in the Room... but an Elephant... that just seems more like a Team Effort and yet there's no Team in place. And The Man is looking at me as the Sole Person on his Home Team as the biggest Game of his Life is already in Progress and so that's gotta be pretty Terrifying!
He's gotta be thinking, "Holy Crap, she's IT?!???!" Imagine if anyone playing the Super Bowl for a Team showed up on Game Day and realized there were only two Players against a very formidable Adversary they were going to Engage with in this very Important Game... and you're both not in very good Shape to even Play ball... yeah, that can mess with your Head on whether or not you'll even want to Play, right?
But the Game must go on... and so we will strategize our best way to Win... because personally I'm never playing to Lose. It's not that I'm a poor Sport or anything, but if you're going to Play, Play to Win.
So right now I'm inbetween Plays as I finally sit down for the first time Today and take a load off, I've banished the Elephant in the Room for being Present for now, I've put my Rose Colored Glasses firmly back on so that they can Color my World how I want it to be... how I Envision it being eventually. Yeah, I have a Vivid and Fertile Imagination like that.
And as you can Clearly see we've been distracting ourselves Sourcing and Talking about Halloween Costumes for the Princess... she always has a Primary Costume and then a Spare. The Primary always being her Dancing Outfit, which she'll wear incessantly throughout almost every day leading up to Halloween as she Dances, Twirls and Prances around the House. *Winks* This Year I Sourced that Fantastic Harem Style Ensemble for less than Eight Bucks... and the Spare is a Black Velvet and Ostrich Boa trimmed Sequined Catsuit that I Sourced for a mere Ninety-Nine Cents. That she will probably wear Trick-Or-Treating Halloween Night because it will be warmer and therefore more Practical. We're not a Family prone to Practicality though... so the Impractical always gets more Use and is more Desired. *LOL*
And the Young Prince, being a Teen, will Naturally be a Zombie this Halloween since they're so On Trend and all this Personal Drama playing out, being dragged around like a Corpse with the lack of Sleep has been Great Zombie In Training Practice actually so he should look quite Authentically like the Living Dead by the end of the Month he figures?! *LOL* And so yes... our Topics were Fun and Frivolous... rather than Necessary and Foreboding... though we discussed what we absolutely HAD to concerning those crappy Elephant Sized matters. And I for one will be Glad when we don't have to talk about them any more and just be able to get back to Enjoying Life without an Elephant in tow.
But we don't know how long that will take... and so Patience is a Virtue we'll have to muster even though it's not one of our particular Strengths. I mean, we've got Endurance, we can Endure... we're Tenacious and can even be quite Relentless for the Right Causes... but Patience is in short supply.
So when things will obviously take a mighty long Time or actually have NO Time Frame and are just hanging out there seemingly in indefinite Limbo... and they're Elephant sized matters... we've got that tendancy to want to just be done with it already!!!
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian