Climbing out of a Pit of Despair is hard work, and depending on how deeply you've gone down, it can take longer than you're comfortable with being down there... in the Pit. I'm not one to enjoy wallowing in Misery or be comfortable at all with Negative Energy or Dark Moods, it's just not who I am and what I prefer to be about and around. I don't feel like me in that Condition... I don't like me in that Condition... and it feels so Foreign and disembodied to be depressed and angry anyway... who after all WANTS to be Unlovely, I can't Imagine!? Stuck in the Pit of Despair with no obvious way up and out I get ultra Cranky and frustrated trying to find a way out, I get impatient being down for any length of time and my Countenance shows it. But I AM climbing out, I just can't stay there and my Desire is to emerge and re-group. Also to Meditate upon what got me there and what entices me to climb out and try to stay out?
I've always been one to surround myself with Beauty and Peace even in the most difficult of situations or conditions... the Beauty keeps me grounded, Uplifted and Centered when I threaten to drift off Center or allow circumstances and the Issues of Life to affect my Mood and Attitude in an unlovely way. The Peace keeps me in the Fruits of the Spirit and Calm... or at least Calmer! And I realized that the last straw for me just happened to be being asked to rid myself of what I've carefully surrounded myself with that is Beautiful and Peaceful, that which somehow keeps Life Beautiful and with a Measure of Peace for me just by it's mere Presence. That which makes me want to come Home, Be Home and want to Stay Home because it has the Essence of Home for me. Beauty amid the Ashes and whatever ugly or unlovely and difficult is going on.
Children have a way of Expressing Truth with such Raw Simplicity and Honesty that it cuts to the chase and leaves no Mystery behind the Profound Observations they expound, they have no Desire yet to be Politically Correct, they speak and shoot straight from the Heart. Reflection upon some of Princess T's Profound Statements as we continued harshly Purging Beloved possessions to accommodate The Man's Medical Condition, and replace cleared out areas with needed Medical Equipment, helped me to recognize just why I was so Upset, angry, off-center and uncomfortable too.
"This place is starting to look like a Hospital and not our Home... and Grandpa wanted to come HOME because he missed it and didn't want to Live in a Hospital and I don't want to either!" She was ranting and raving because all our Beautiful comfy Kilim Pillows and Pouffs that we sat around at the Coffee Table, to eat, visit and watch TV, were now banished because they posed a tripping hazard to Grandpa and limited space to maneuver his Walker. And lets face it, he fell anyway, over nothing, so she didn't see much point in our efforts either. I hadn't been able to bring myself to get rid of them just yet... but now they're languishing in Storage... perhaps indefinitely.
Not that we want Grandpa to trip or fall and not be able to get around, but it was apparently a difficult Change for the rest of us who used them and Enjoyed them daily and liked how they looked. It's just one of many Changes and constant Flux at Bohemian Valhalla since The Man came Home... and I suppose we're all in Transition and will continue to be. And that's sometimes a difficult Space to be in, Transition... especially at Home. Home is the Personal Refuge from the World and the ugliness that can be in it... and where Dreams and your Vision are Nurtured and often come to Life. Home can be the one Truly Self-Indulgent Space in Life and your Domain. Especially if Changes go against your Will, what you want, and come against what you have Attachment to... it can become a most difficult compromise and Sacrifice in the Home to be Forced to make Changes you don't want, don't like and yet can't really throw up resistance to.
If you've worked very hard to Create a Beautiful Home for everyone in the household and have it almost the way you want it... with Beloved objects Collected over a Lifetime in it, that you would no longer be able to replace at this Season of Life... being Forced to Change it all up, cast much of it off and not have it resemble Home is painful. I thought it had just been me that was experiencing the pain... apparently not. Having a slew of Medical Equipment in a Home makes keeping it 'Homey' somewhat of a Challenge... Medical Equipment is often ugly, cumbersome and so Sterile, no way to make it look Styled or Beautiful, that's for sure! It is also a constant ugly Reminder of how sideways or upside down things have become for a Loved One that needs it.
"I HATE all these stupid Oxygen Tanks..." she proclaims, as she deliberately smashes her rolling backpack into them on her way in or out of the front door every day. I have tried to obscure them behind his Recliner and to the side of it... there's so many and we've stubbed many a toe on them where ever we've put them since they take up a lot of space. And once, the Princess got hit in the head with one of the larger ones in the back seat of the Jeep when it tipped over in such tight quarters. Because Transporting a person and all their Medical Equipment while finding Space for everyone and everything else in a Vehicle is no small feat! Not to mention exhausting... it's all made so sturdy, cumbersome and HEAVY! So Princess T eyeballs these Oxygen Tanks and the big ole' extremely noisy Oxygen Machine as The Devil intruding upon our Home and the way things WERE! Oh how we often long for how things WERE when we're in this Transitional Space of outright Rebellion and Rage against how it now IS!
"And why do we have to get rid of all of OUR stuff Gramma, it's not Fair!" Yeah, Kid, Life ain't Fair, otherwise bras wouldn't come in sizes. But her point is well taken, I'm secretly in Agreement with her actually, her Candid proclamations hit a raw nerve with me that I had to acknowledge as my own Truth... she's outwardly Expressed with the Innocence of a Child what I'd kept bottled up and Pretended didn't bother me nearly as much as clearly it did. Accepting the results and Changes Created by a Catastrophic Accident or Illness in a Loved One is difficult enough... making it possible for them to return to or remain in the Home becomes just another stressor to an already difficult stressful situation. There is so much Transition for us all... and of coarse in a Perfect World everything would be as it WAS once again one day... only it won't ... and you Rebel against that, each in their own way, at least at first, until total Resignation leading to Acceptance prevails... it's a Process... just like any form of Grieving and Loss.
"Well, just think, we'll have more room to Dance!" I say... "And less to take care of, so we'll have more Time for other things." I don't know what Things I'm even talking about, but it sounds good and I can almost convince myself there's a Silver Lining somewhere in the Clouds if I make stuff up as I go along that sound Promising enough to Believe. Yes, I'm doing the hard work of climbing out of a Pit of Despair towards the Light. The difficult part is that the Pit is starting to resemble my Home... as we empty it and cast off that which I'd rather hold onto if I could... but I can't... so I'm trying to Adjust to the Changes too... and still WANT to be here however unlike Home it looks, rather than run away and join the Circus or something... and without having Childlike Tantrums as well since clearly there's already plenty of those going on around here! *Rolling of eyes*
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian