Just in time the Blogger problem rectified itself, though there's still glitches, at least some Images will now load. *Whew!* I had decided that I just didn't want to Blog anymore if I couldn't include Visuals with my Words, since I'm a very Visual person and an Image-less Blog wouldn't Appeal to me at all. So I was going to reluctantly give up on Blogging and just End this Blog. I realized I had become SO frustrated with the situation that I'd originally Titled my last Post the WORDLESS Post... then filled it with WORDS! *LOL* It is now Edited to the Image-less Post so that you don't think I've gone completely around the bend! *Winks*
I came close though to going wheels off, and Blogger acting up wasn't the Catalyst... it just prevented me from being able to Retreat and Escape to my little Happy Place therapeutically like I needed to and thus added a layer to stress and depression. I haven't been in a good head place for a while and facing that reality of extreme Caregiver Burnout and not being able to overcome it is a total head trip.
You see, The Man took another fall while I was asleep the other day. To be sure he's a high fall risk all the time and we've got all kinds of Safety Prompts in place, but if eyes aren't on him all the time, he doesn't always remember being Safe. At the advice of his Medical Teams I've been amping up getting rid of as much in the way of possessions as possible so he'll have less to maneuver around or fall into. But the reality is, he could fall just as easily in a completely empty room. Which he often did at the Neuro Rehab and Acute Nursing Facility, which were devoid of furnishings or soft landing stuff to break his falls. Which is why almost all of them didn't want to accept him... too High Maintenance and EXPENSIVE. So it seems redundant to work so hard to do something also so sacrificial, but that makes no difference and serves to just upset me all the more.
The good thing is that much of what I Cherish and I'm just giving up and giving away is going to Family and so that has been easier for me and a Joy to see their Excitement in Receiving it. No Regrets there in the Letting Go, no matter how in Love I was with or Attached to those objects. Though The Son realizes I'm having to give up so much so soon that he questioned whether it is a good idea and in my best interest? He had a point and he knows me well... my possessions were the only thing I could Control in this mess our lives and tarnished Golden Years have become. And I am after all a Control Freak, so having no Control over anything makes me feel completely adrift and vulnerable beyond belief.
He realizes anything given to Family and Friends would be Joyful in the Giving Up for me... but that what I'm having to just Release where ever and don't really want to, is asking me to Sacrifice even more than I already have over the Years, which is a lot. I've Sacrificed Career, Pension, Social Life, Time with Friends, Retirement Plans, Savings, Freedom, Traveling, Dreams, Time to and for myself and so much more... and so my Home was the last bastion of having anything left beyond Caring for Loved Ones who need Caregiving. And that made me feel like just giving up, period, because if Life becomes just Existing with no Joy or anything to look forward to or Enjoy, it's not really Living, it's drudgery and you dread each day.
And so when something happens like The Man STILL falling, after I've done everything his Team says needs to be done as Prevention Measures... and then the G-Kids going off into Mental Health Land because their response to Grandpa being so Fragile and everything around the Home in constant flux and Change to accommodate him, is to Act up and Act out... usually vented and directed at me, since I'm in Charge of this mess... Allegedly... I feel utterly defeated.
And I come to a place where I'm Wondering what I'm doing it all for since there's nothing about this Picture that I can really 'fix' or 'Control' in any way and isn't likely to Change regardless of what we Sacrifice or do? So... I finally blew up and told the last Medical Team Member to write in his Report that I can't stand to be asked to do another thing... not one more thing, because I've done all I humanly can and 'cause I'm at Saturation and Breaking Point AGAIN! Just knowing I only lasted barely three Months this time before Breaking again has me Concerned because I NEED to last at least another Decade or beyond for this Crew... I don't think I will... I really don't. And that's a Sobering Realization so it's difficult to think Happy Thoughts... but I'm trying... I really am... and as Simple as this is, my Blog being Functional again so I have a place to Retreat to, it has really Helped.
Still hanging on in the Arizona Desert... Blessings... Dawn... The Bohemian