** Disclaimer... a Difficult Read... a difficult Post to even decide to Write...**
Well my Friends, time to come totally Clean... this Afternoon I am fresh out of the Hospital myself after a nerve-wracking intense three day stay that I had been trying to avoid for some time now. You see, there is more to the Significance of my Rusty Heart Tree Story and Issues of the Heart than I had confided in anyone... not to Family, not even to my closest Friends. I had kept it totally to myself, because I didn't really want anyone to know or even suspect... and perhaps I was even trying to avoid facing it myself, though I knew, even before formal diagnosis, that I was not Well.
You see, my Family, on both my Mom and Dad's Side, have always had a 'Knowing' about things, to an uncanny degree of accuracy that is rather unsettling to most people, because it can't really be logically explained. I can't even tell you how or why I know things well in advance of them being said or happening in Real Time, but I've always just been able to and so to me it's not so unusual. But some things Revealed in the 'Knowing' aren't necessarily good things... in fact, it can be very bad... and so no matter how long you're used to the premonition process, when a particularly bad 'Knowing' comes and it isn't one of the unavoidable ones... it's 'Heavy' to 'know' and wait for in Real Time to either happen or be finally disclosed and Revealed beyond being merely a premonition.
I have been very fortunate into my Senior Years to enjoy exceptional Health and be on absolutely no medications. I also distrust Western Medicine and prefer mostly to rely upon Eastern and Tribal Medicine when at all possible even though naturally Insurance will not cover those alternative forms of Medicine, however effective and time tested thru the Centuries. That said, I do know that during a Medical Emergency, a trip to the ER will become necessary, including Western Treatment that will be covered, so I'm not completely opposed to that alternative either... though I will attempt to avoid it if I can. But some time ago I had the 'Knowing' that I was no longer Well in my body and that significant Health Challenges lay before me, even before I experienced even the first symptom.
I even had a 'Knowing' of what I would eventually be told... only I didn't want to hear it because it could mean I might not be Well Enough to take care of my Family or even be around for them as long as I need to be... and that's some scary stuff when I'm all they have right now. I know nobody can or will look after them with the fierce determination and unconditional Love that I will and I'm nervous about where they could end up and with whom... and how they would fare? That terrifies me more than you could ever know or I could ever fully express in mere words.
I also didn't want to end up in the Hospital trying to sort out the mess that I already 'Knew' was coming to my Health Status... switching from exceptionally Healthy to all of a sudden being a really Hot Mess and extremely alarming and significant... because that would also mean emergency placement for three Loved Ones I'm Caregiver for who have significant Medical Needs of their own. But I 'knew' it WAS coming, I've known it for some time actually... and it's been a heavy weight to bear because I knew it was going to be very bad... and our situation already isn't very good, even when I was exceptionally Healthy and used to Being Well.
My Dad had always told me that I would be just like him... he had a 'Knowing' too... and had also Enjoyed a very long Life of Exceptional Wellness into Old Age... until his time came for the Sickness, which he knew would take him out exactly when it did, he predicted his departure date... and he was spot on... to the day actually, I was never Surprised, I 'Knew' too and we'd discussed it at great length Privately, so that I could be the one to prepare the extended Family. But unlike Dad, I didn't have anyone to tell... actually, nobody I wanted to tell because I knew it would totally creep them out and create great Anxiety and Fear. I don't have a problem about 'Knowing' my outcome... even in advance... but I do worry about my Loved Ones who would be left behind should an unexpected premature departure play out... the vulnerable ones who still very much need me to stick around.
And so I have been having some very long Heartfelt conversations for some time now with the Closest Relationship I have, with my Creator. He 'Knows' and for whatever reason He Endowed me with a 'Knowing' about things in Advance... and thus we can talk about them sometimes well in Advance of Real Time. I can't see where having a 'Knowing' makes any sense otherwise in the grand scheme of things, unless perhaps there can be a benefit to it somehow? So there are times when I Hope He will intercede on my behalf in some kind of way, when the things are not preventable and will have to be faced and dealt with... I want Favor in those instances... I knew this would be one of those instances.
And I knew the Time had come for Real Time to finally Reveal what I've had a very hard time Wrestling with 'Knowing' well in Advance and would no longer just be a premonition I'd chosen to Secretly keep to myself and try to hide, because I didn't even want to say it out loud to another living Soul... on Wednesday Morning, at Three A.M. to be exact. Now I also knew why the Timing of The Man being Hospitalized again was so very important, so that I need only find Placement for two when everything would go Left... as I already knew it was.
So at Three A.M. on Wednesday Morning I woke up the G-Kid Force and prepared them for what would play out... since they already know of Gramma's 'Knowings' and the Accuracy of them, they take me seriously when I give them Instructions of things that haven't happened or been told and Revealed yet in Real Time. They know I'm Serious and it's important to Listen Carefully and pay close attention. Thankfully The Son also heeds, it helps that he has a 'Knowing' too of things and has come to terms with his 'Gift', like we all had to Learn to, because it doesn't go away if you don't want it. Different things to be sure... not every 'Knowing' of a particular thing is Revealed in Advance to us all, we each get our own for whatever reason. And most of the time you don't always 'Know' in Full... only in 'Part', but Important Parts... which is rather a Blessing really.
I often think the full magnitude of having a 'Knowing' of something really bad that's GOING to happen, and you cannot prevent or control, in great Fullness would just be too much to have to wait upon and bear. 'Knowing' in Part, even if you know it's going to be bad, is just easier... at least for me it has always been anyway, though sometimes the details are more than I want to 'Know' even in Part. This was unfortunately one of those times.
And so hearing the Doctors and slew of Specialists that each came in for their Specialized Field to tell me what I already knew without being told is still something difficult. Just because you know something is coming, doesn't mean you Roll any more easily with the devestation of it... it's still devestating, for whatever reasons you find it to be so. In this case they were Alarmed and startled that I was even STILL alive and acting 'Normal' because I shouldn't be... there should be more carnage apparently within my body and I shouldn't even still be able to function at all. They kept asking me was I certain I didn't feel Worse than I looked on the exterior and acted? Heart was in Crisis... Lungs were in Crisis... severe Sleep Apnea is present... blood sugars were almost to 500 and exceptional Wellness had come to a close.
Which is unfortunate because I still NEED exceptional Wellness. So now we had to deal with Health turned on a dime. And we've spent the past three days dealing with that in the Hospital so that Dawn wouldn't shut down. And probably they would have liked to have kept me longer since some things could not be stabilized in spite of Modern Medicine... but we may as well deal with all this on an Outpatient basis and in tandem with me also seeking Eastern and Tribal Advice and Treatment, which is a Given. Should I choose that exclusively will depend... if Western Medicine doesn't leave me with a Peace about their Methods, I will reject them as surely as my Dad did. Because for me it isn't really so much about whether the outcome is Life or Death, that is in God's Hands regardless of the Methods on this side of Time and Eternity we choose to attempt to remain Well in a body that was meant to Transition at some Point in Time from Time to Eternity.
I'm going thru my Process right now... and actually felt in my Spirit that God had been Listening to our Conversations and my Desire to be allowed to stay longer, not because I Fear Death at all and wouldn't go willingly to be with Him right now. But because I definitely need more Time to make sure I have a Peace about Leaving and what will happen to those left behind first, those whose Care was Entrusted to me. I don't like leaving any Job left unfinished, I'm really anal like that. So I will be tenacious about keeping my Family together in spite of no longer Enjoying Exceptional Wellness, which I never took for granted for even a moment that I had it. Whether Well or not... I will continue to do what I do, until I can't anymore.
And Chronicle that Journey here in my online Journal in the Land of Blog, which has been probably the easiest place I've ever found to be totally Transparent in. Which is kinda weird and out of Character for me since I'm a very Private and Guarded Person and usually prefer to keep much to myself.
But it has felt right to go on this Journey here... and let down my Guard... and Share my Heart... even to complete Strangers... and not Care that it's out there... which means to me that it must be Serving some Greater Purpose than I could know or have predicted. Which is funny to me since I can usually predict so much... which such accuracy... that an unknown compulsion with no predicted outcome is rare in my World.
And I'm Glad for every Soul that has wandered in for a Blog Visit since the very first Post, because you must have been meant to be here, if even only once... and for those who have Connected, there must have been even Greater Purpose... even in the randomness of it all when you think about it, given the scope of Cyberspace and all!
And one would think that the Coming Clean part of FINALLY being able to Reveal something you had carried Secretly for so long would be a Welcome Relief? But its not really... in fact, because there was so much lead time you always had the dilemma of who you will tell and how... especially when you knew it would be very bad. The things I don't have a 'Knowing' about that have been bad sometimes are easier because you don't have to agonize over whether to reveal prematurely or just hold your Peace.
I've already had to Reveal to The Son and to The Man in detail... even tho' The Man isn't even out of the Hospital yet. Now that Real Time is here and things can't be covered up, masked or dismissed and regarded as mere premonition that perhaps I'm mistaken on this time. I just don't look forward to how it will be received by the G-Kid Force, since those Precious little ones have already been thru so much and lost so much... since birth... and that seems so callous that they should have had to... and should have even more heaped upon them at such tender ages. And therein lies the true extent of the depth of my Sadness, because I cannot Promise them the Security they so desperately need, not even for a single day. Or that Gramma is as Strong in body as they've Believed me to always be for them. But I can Promise to remain Strong in Spirit and in Faith... and that will have to be enough as the Lord stands in Strength for me in the areas of my Weakness... even my Rusty Heart.
There are after all, more ways to be Strong of Heart... Dawn... The Bohemian