Source: PINTEREST ~ GABRI
Blog Therapy has helped me through numerous low periods I might have been moving through and has been an unexpected Bonus to the Total Blog Experience. Writing it down and putting it out there, releasing it into the Universe and vast Cyberspace with Vulnerability and Transparency in some Posts was frightening and a bit nerve-wracking at first, since I had always been a very Private Person regarding my Personal Life and especially the not-so-pleasant or Ideal parts of it. I wasn't sure how it would be Received or if the Topics would be too much or met with Judgment or harsh Criticism... or worse, Pity, since who wants to Appear Pathetic or Weak and not Coping adequately with Life and Circumstances?!?!!!
There was the Temptation to want to make everything Appear Idyllic here in the Land of Blog, to give the Illusion and Create the Fantasycape we Envision our Lives to mirror or at least mimic... even though Logically that's not Real or Keeping It Real by any measure and is a mere facade of Real Life for any of us. But Stuff Of Dreams can be a Welcome Escape to Retreat to and the Land Of Blog gave me such Respite that way... and I didn't want to Ruin it by tossing in those darn 'Real Posts'... those Rants and Tearful Moments Exposing the Harsh Realities in the midst of the Fluff, Positive Moments and Fun Posts!
You see, I often Feel quite Inadequate to Deal with some of the Life Challenges I find myself faced with. Having to take the Lead in and handle some things that I can't Change or Control and certainly lack sufficient Skills to handle Effectively all of the time... and I struggle with often, so I'm already my own worst Critic. I hesitated to Share those Imperfections, Insecurities, Sorrows and Life Dramas that were playing out within the Sanctity of Home and make them so Public. It was like opening the front door and Exposing everything to the World that can make us feel Ashamed or Guilty about, bruise the Heart, stretch Sanity to breaking points and wound our Spirits deeply... not to mention the Ego Thing, since Publicly we typically try to be our Best Selves and usually it's only our Inner Circle that see the Fragile or Darker Side of Us.
Not that we don't know that everyone has those sides to the layers of their Personalities, but sometimes it is hard to face the Person in the Mirror and be as Kind, Gentle and Merciful as we would be towards others having those same Characteristics, Reactions and Traits during Trials of Life. I always Expect more of myself and so obtaining Objective Viewpoints here in the Land of Blog in Response to those particular Posts has given me a different Perspective... and I Like it... because I've cut myself some Breaks seeing myself and these Issues through the Eyes of those looking in.
Source: PINTEREST... Photographer and Original Source Unknown
I realized how harsh I had been on myself and that in spite of Best Intentions, Failing at times in something we are ill equipped for shouldn't be all that Surprising or a source of Shame, Guilt or Embarrassment. I am slowly learning to Accept the Bad Days for what they are, a Challenge and Test that sometimes I don't Ace... or Rise to at the Level which I Think or Feel that I should, but that's Okay too. It just more Clearly Reveals and Reflects my Humanity and Frailty back at me... my Reliance upon the Lord and Need for His Partnership as I run my Race and allow Him to Receive the Glory that the Situations Reveal as Living Testimonies for His Divine Purpose, even if it is often beyond my feeble Understanding.
And are a constant Reminder that I cannot Control, Manipulate, Fix or Make Right everything that I Perceive to be Wrong. Which us Control Freaks have a habit of Attempting because we Imagine that Our Way would be Best after all and we always have a Grandoise Plan so that we 'Feel' in Control! *Winks* I like to Think that I have some Good Answers to many of the Difficult Questions... and have gained enough Wisdom to Deal with Life no matter what it holds... and fix those things that I see as Broken. Creating my Perfect Little World... the Reality Check is often a Wake-Up Call for Yours Truly and shakes me to my Core at times. Because this is God's World and Universe ... and when I have a World or Universe only then can I Run it as I see fit! And since I'm realizing how often I mess up handling and running Daily Stuff in my own Life, I've decided I don't even want a World or Universe of my own and have to Run it for everyone else too! *Whew and an Amen!*
And so I'm trying to Perfect the Art of stepping back on those Bad Days and not allowing it to rob me of my Peace and my Zen or be so Reactive and Feel so Defeated. Like Today... when I actually Accomplished that Mission Statement rather than doing what I would usually do when I Try to do the Right Thing and it all goes Left and so very Wrong anyway, in spite of my Best Intentions. We wake up ready for Church... initially the G-Kid Force want to go with me but then Prince R changes his mind and decides to stay Home with Grandpa... which was Okay... they could Supervise each other while I get Spiritually Refreshed, Renewed and Fed. *Winks* Now there's that Vacant Seat in the Truck so Princess T asks if she can bring a Friend to Church, which we often do so I gladly Oblige and she Gleefully rushes out the door to Invite her Friend. Bringing Friends to Church that want to go with you is a Wonderful Thing after all and Obedient to The Great Commission. So we're doing God's Work and there can be that Illusion that thus, nothing can go Wrong, right? *Smiles* You can Clearly see where this is going... I'm having an Illusionary Senior Moment.
So there I am heading to Church, all Illusionary {or Delusional} with this Seven and Six Year Old in Tow... and when we Arrive they tell me they're not having Children's Church today so we can take them into Adult Services with us... uh, oh!!! Princess T often attends Adult Services with me Solo without Incident and I allow her that Choice since she can be Timid and doesn't like to attend anything without a Sidekick, but I always bring something to keep her Amused and Calm, like a Bible Coloring Book or Journal. But today she had Purposefully brought a Sidekick to attend Children's Church with, remember... and so I was unprepared for a Backup Plan! And though the Sidekick was a total Joy and Jazzed to be there, regardless of which Service... Malcontent and Petulance had now set in with the Beast Princess and she was Struggling all through Services... boy was she Struggling! She was NOT in the Fruit of the Spirit and I toyed with the Idea of just leaving since that was Stressful... but I'm Perfecting the Art of stepping back on Downward Spiral Days and not trying to Fix it in the Flesh.
Source: PINTEREST... Photographer and Original Source Unknown
And there was that Promise, after any Service, of a Wonderful Meal Out on the way Home... since we Travel far to an Inner City Church Ministry that my Pastor Friends Lead and so it's going to be quite a Full Day and I typically Try to make it also a Fun Day as well as Spiritual Guidance for us all. So there's this Fab Restaurant LO-LO'S CHICKEN AND WAFFLES just down the Street from the Church and I Plan to take the Girls there after Services. I'm Excited because it's great food and I'm really hungry and looking forward to it, knowing the Kids LOVE Waffles so they'll be Content with the Menu. But, remember, we've got the now totally Malcontent and extremely Difficult and Moody Beast Princess and she wasn't having any of it and was totally Resistant to having a Good Time or being compliant.
If you have never dealt with a Person with Mood Disorder you might Think there would be a Solution and Reasoning that could take place when they're being Unlovely and Manic... you would be Wrong. And if you don't Believe me and are Confident in your Methods, I'll lend you a couple of G-Kids for a Weekend so you can Work your Magic and then School me on how it's done, because it would be a Blessing if there was a way that Works that I and their Medical Teams don't know about!?! So... knowing the Outcome is Typical, we just leave the Restaurant to save Face and Sanity, and for the benefit of all those other Patrons having a Good Day and a Good Meal. Since obviously she's not going to come around or eat anything there and is winding up for a total Meltdown and Dramatic Scene as she gets closer to the Edge and going over it.
And I can see she's Struggling, but I also have a Six Year Old Friend who has Earned a Reward by being so Good and was Promised a Meal Out after Church. Normally I might reach a level of Frustration and just Give Up or not Risk Escalation by playing it Safe and avoid going to Battle since I can't always do it in a Calm and Dignified manner that doesn't even Appear like Battle. But Today was different... I'm Determined to Maintain my Zen and since it's a LONG drive Home anyway... try to see if we can have a Cooling Off Period for her and the Prospect that if she can't get a Grip, we might not have a Meal Out at all and that would be Unfair to her Guest, who isn't Struggling to Behave...
And we're all Hungry, so it would be Nice if we could actually EAT and Salvage having an Enjoyable Day!? I'm Good at Salvaging and Using what is Left after all... and so we spent the next forty minutes driving Home in Quiet Reflection of how we can all Manage this? Blissfully she falls asleep... which is usually a Good Sign after she's had a full blown Episode... because when she awakes she's typically a totally different Person with a different outlook and Mood and obviously her Episodes are as Exhausting for her as they are for everyone dealing with her.
And my Back-Up Meal Salvage Plan is this tiny little Mexican Restaurant near Home that has Cheap Weekend Kid's Meal Specials that the Kiddos Love and Great Chile Rellenos that I Enjoy... and most folks use the Drive-Thru so we don't have as big an Audience in case she cannot Maintain. It's not to say the Meal wasn't without hiccups and a bit of Drama since she was in Unreasonable Mode and therefore will find Fault in anything and everything until the Phase passes... but at least we got nourished and her Little Guest thoroughly Enjoyed the whole day. Kids can be more Resilient and Resistant towards other Kid Drama and Princess E acted as though Princess T was being totally Normal and didn't let it Phase her own Zen or rub off on her Mood... I took Notes on how that was done for Future Reference! *Winks*
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian