Today is a Special Day, it's Prince R's Birthday and he turns Thirteen, so he's officially moved from being a Little Boy to being a Teenager. Naturally he's excited and expects something Special to Celebrate his monumental day and coming of Age, as he should. I however, feel a certain amount of Guilt that with everything else going on, I don't Feel at all like Celebrating and so I'm trying to Psyche myself into Celebration Mode so that I will anyway, Feelings aside.
I will probably pull it off out of a sense of Obligation more than anything... and for his sake since I don't want to disappoint him or have this be the Birthday that was Memorable for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes falling down the Rabbit Hole has it's Down Side because everything Alice Experienced there wasn't all Good was it... even tho' it WAS quite the Surreal Experience!
He's growing up so fast... and having already Raised one Generation, I know enough to Savor these Precious Moments of the Process of them Growing Up as much as we can... and regardless of what might be transpiring in Life to detract from the Joy of it. It wasn't that long ago that he looked like and acted like a Little Boy... and now he's quickly becoming the Man that he will be.
We typically go all out on Celebrations and so it's totally out of Character for me not to Plan for a Celebration in advance and make it as Special and Delightfully Memorable as possible. We've always taken great Joy in the Process of Preparing to Celebrate anything or anyone and usually I really look forward to it... USUALLY. I will be particularly Thankful this Year that his Paternal side of the Family will do their part, as usual, to step up and make his Special Day all about him and he'll spend some Quality time with them. This day should be all about him and that is his Expectation. There's so many things I haven't done or even thought about... and so I'll really be flying by the seat of my pants to do anything at all!!! Hoping it will suffice and he won't notice how ambivalent I Feel about it, or feel short-changed due to present circumstances?!?
With the Worries about The Son being so Sick, Hospitalized and Injured, plus all the Doctor Appointments for The Man's Illness and Princess T's Injuries, there are a lot of things I haven't done that I usually do around this time of Year. I didn't even take any First day of School pixs of the G-Kid Force like I always do... me... the pathological picture taker... The Man couldn't get over that! *Gasp!* So, I'm glad we did do a few things early, like letting Prince R pick out his Birthday Gifts from us together... and he and I going out after one of his Doctor Appointments for Ice-Cream, just the two of us.
I haven't completely dropped the ball or gone off the grid entirely... but it's taking so much Effort to go thru the Motions of Normality or Appearing Enthusiastic about anything these days. Most of the time I'm totally Faking it and Forcing myself... in a Fake It Til You Make It mindset. I'm a Keep It Real type of Gal so that's not easy for me. I'm usually bouyant even during difficult times, of which there have been many... but this time has been different and I Feel it and it's Noticeable to those who have known me a long time.
I don't even Feel Good physically and now would be a really bad time to crash and burn healthwise and emotionally so that kinda scares me. With the rest of the extended Family in sad shape and the house a wreck from deferred maintenance, since I've been too busy and overwhelmed to give it a priority, I don't have time to be less than 100%. So I Hate that I feel like crap and have to push so hard to do what absolutely has to be done and try to ignore the rest. I don't Enjoy having Negative Blog Posts, but this is my Personal Journal and Journey so I decided it was the perfect place to just Release it and lay it down since carrying it is too Heavy.
I've lost my Sparkle Momentarily and I want to get it back some kind of way... so I'm Exploring those Options of how best to Accomplish that? I'm also trying to stay out of the Hospital myself and deal with my own Health Issues around everyone else's, which can be tricky when you're the Healthiest one, but not necessarily Healthy at the Moment by any stretch of the Imagination.
There have been some minor Victories to Rejoice about... after having spent over five hours at the VA Hospital yesterday with The Man at various back to back Appointments we'd crammed into one day while The Force were in School... there was a Ray of Hope about his Condition. The Neurologist felt that we could Rule Out the Parkinson's-Like diagnosis as the Cause of what has been going South healthwise with him. *Whew!* Of coarse they still couldn't tell us WHAT it IS we're dealing with... so it's all still quite the Mystery, which makes Treatment Plans a complete shot in the dark. And as Complex as a micro-beaded Art Project to get right without a Pattern to follow! You just have to Eyeball the Situation and go for it!
But Okay, at least it doesn't Appear to be Alzheimers or Parkinsons Disease... which are deadly, so I'm Relieved about that even though nothing has Changed much as far as his Condition and gradual decline. He's just Changed and in all liklihood we'll have to Adapt and Adjust to that and try to slow down whatever it is causing it. And Attempt to Reverse it with Creative Methods I'm just making up as I go along because it Feels better and makes more sense to me than doing nothing at all.
I'm a Creative Person after all, it's my Gift, so why not be Creative about Health and potential Healing Solutions. I'm one to Require Hope even in seemingly Hopeless situations and I refuse to Give Up or Receive a "Nothing can be Done" diagnosis.... Or the "You'll Never..." suggestions about loss of function for daily Living and Quality of Life.
It's not Denial, I simply Refuse to Receive such things and continue to Believe that my God is still in the Miracle Business and IS the Great Physician, so anything is Possible with God even if it isn't with man. And I can sound and be very Convincing even if I am actually out on a limb with my Ideas, my Logic and no Factual Data can back up my Claims of what we're going to try. And so I'll often do what seems like stupid illogical things in a leap of Faith that puts me out there, looking like a Fool if God doesn't show up! Like when The Man's Truck went on the fritz recently, we went right out and replaced it even though he has been driving less and less on days he doesn't think it's good idea because he's having a difficult day healthwise. Because he still has Good Days... and we count on them being more frequent as we Work at this Rehab we've devised between us. He's been Sensible about his Driving Days and it hasn't been a flash point for him to relinquish his keys on days he's not up to it and have me drive. And NOT replacing his Vehicle would have implied that he may not ever drive again in the not too distant Future, so what's the point in him having a vehicle, even now. I don't want him Giving Up prematurely and Believing the Worst.
So it's akin to Faith Healing I Suppose... I Believe the Methods we're devising could work and as long as it makes Sense to me and I can make him Believe it could work too, we might be onto something beneficial that he'll at least try and have desired results from. Right now it's Brain Games and Meditation Practices coupled with Holistic Healing since Western Medicine seems perplexed and falling short. We're going to take Tai Chi Classes together and get his Workshop up and running to Create Awesome Woodwork to Sell... starting small and going Big once he can. Every time he feels like throwing in the towel I pick it up off the floor and give it back to him since Surrender is not an Option... and Success is simply going from Failure to Failure without losing Enthusiasm... we've at least got to Fight the Battle Hard and last long enuf to get these G-Kids Raised after all! *Winks*
My Little Bro' is perhaps one of my Greatest Inspirations for defying Years of Grim Prognosis and beating all odds Medically. He was given a Terminal Illness very short shelf-life many Years ago and the Family was told to make his final arrangements. If we dug a hole to put him in each time since then that the Doctors have told us we'd be burying him we'd be halfway to China by now! It's a long, Valiant Story that I won't go into the details of to Respect his Privacy... but suffice to say our Family decided to go with our addage that "You aren't dead 'til GOD says so...", and my Little Bro' has proven that Fact and been a Powerful Testimony of it. His Doctors cannot Explain it, just Marvel over it as being one of those Medical Miracles because by all Medical Factual Data he should be dead... several times over! You Go Lil' Bro', I'm your biggest Cheerleader on the sidelines of your Game Plan to keep Living 'til God says the Game is over! And we will too... Mwahhh!
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian