It is with an extremely Heavy Heart that I'm writing this Post... I'm Heartbroken, Devestated and Broken from the News. Last Night my BFF, my Beloved Sis, the one who has always had my back for decades and I could definitely Count on come Hell or High Water, finally revealed that she's battling Stage Four Cancer. The Silence after those words was deafening and the Words themselves echoed in my head like a Free Fall Scream into an Abyss, I didn't want to receive it and totally broke down, which I'm sure she didn't need, especially since she knows I hardly ever cry, especially in front of anyone. There she was... trying to comfort me... during a time when I should be comforting her... I felt I'd let her down for the first time since we've known each other. But this blindsided me... totally, even though I knew she'd had some Medical Issues in recent years... at our Age, who hasn't?!
I'm the Stoic One, she's the Emotional One... it was definitely Weird with the Roles reversed, and probably good it was a long distance call and not in person so she could see my reaction too. I should have been Strong for her right then... I was not... it was too much to Process... especially right now when I'm not on my Game at all. She knows that though, she's still trying to be there for us... even now, that's just how she Rolls. She's the most Selfless Person I've ever known in my entire Life and I'm so Lucky we're Best Friends, Friends that transcended Friendship and became 'Family'. We no longer think of each other as Friends, but as Extended Family. We have so much History and have Shared so many of Life's Important Milestones, good and bad!
People always thought we were Sisters anyway, though we don't Enjoy hardly any of the same things, we're thick as Thieves and our Children grew up together as Cousins. We're Yin and Yang, there is absolutely nothing we wouldn't do for each other... and have over the Years, this is a Ride or Die Relationship and you don't see that too often so you really Cherish it and close Ranks when times are tough. There wasn't anything that kept us down and we've both been through a LOT, enough to write several Books in fact and an ongoing Soap Opera Series that would blow you away!
Together we were a Force to be reckoned with and each of us knew we could do anything with the other having our back. We Love each other's Children and Grandchildren with all our Hearts, she did the Single Parenting Thing with her large brood, and was also a Custodial Gramma, so The Man was like a Surrogate Dad and Grandpa to her Crew.
She hadn't wanted to tell me, knowing how much I've already been dealing with too... but she didn't want me to find out secondhand if someone else Assumed I already knew. Though I didn't see this one coming, I had wondered why she kept delaying her visit to come stay with us, as we'd Planned, once she got things squared away in Texas in order to come back to Arizona.
She hadn't felt right withholding such important information... and had been making lots of excuses for why the date of her arrival kept getting kicked back further and further. But our Families have always been dealing with a lot, so I accepted each explanation as the real legit reason. And though the news made me Heartbroken, I'm glad she came clean about it.
You see, we've ALWAYS been totally Real with each other, helped each other out during some Crazy Life Dramas and Heartaches you couldn't possibly Imagine... and we're both as Crazy as a Mad Hatter, the Bipolar Babes, so we totally 'Get' each other and can be the Voice Of Reason for each other when one of us is losing it and going off the rails. Her Nickname in fact, that my Uncle from Wales affectionately dubbed her, is 'Mad Kathie'. *Smiles*
She can say things to me from a place of Love that others can't or might not dare... because she's earned the right. I know her Motives are always Pure and she has my Best Interest at Heart even if what she's saying isn't something I want to hear, but need to hear... and she's not afraid to say it no holds barred. She's the Realist Person you'll ever meet too, some folks aren't comfortable with that, I always have been. If you want the unabated Truth, ask Kathie, she won't sugar coat or varnish it.
I can take the Truth spoken in Love and it's refreshing when someone isn't interested in being PC and just says what most everyone else is probably thinking anyway. She's the one who would ALWAYS just say it... so if you didn't really want to know... don't ask. *LOL* She Affectionately calls me the 'Hoarder of anything Beautiful or Weird' and always tells me I need an Intervention. *Winks* She knew the Haunted Guest Room would have to be cleared out of excess 'Inventory' before she could even Hope to sleep in it when she comes for a visit.
But I could tell this time she was afraid to say what she needed to... not for her sake, but for mine... she knew it would devestate me... and it did, she was spot on about that. I don't want to risk losing her you see... I can't Imagine my Life without her... we always thought we'd do a 'Thelma and Louise' if it were our Time to go. But I know that this time she wouldn't let me into the car for an off the cliff descent with her. It's not that she wants to die, but she definitely has a Peace about it and no Fear or Regrets, she'll go out Guns Blazing as always and a Bad Girl to the very end.
I felt really badly though... because a few times she's wanted to tell me and stopped short... but given me Clues... Clues I didn't put together actually so she just had to finally come right on out and say it, "I'm dying..." She's prone to being a Drama Queen so even then I didn't believe her initially, I didn't want to actually, 'til I knew she was absolutely Serious and this wasn't anything she'd make up.
It was hard to have a Normal conversation after that... but in typical Style she had me laughing by the end of the call and wiping my tears of Sorrow away with her warped and dark sense of humor. We always laugh when we are together or when we talk on the phone, even about stuff that nobody else would think or find funny. We're Nuts like that. We've both Raised Special Needs Children and had a Vida Loca so we find humor in some mighty strange things by most folk's standards. We always gave each other Hope during what others felt were utterly Hopeless situations. We never gave up on any of our Loved Ones... and we never will. We have absolute Unity of Purpose to Fight the Good Fight, against ALL odds. Kathie is so much like my Prodigal Daughter they should have been Mother and Daughter in fact and their Birthdays are only one day apart! She Promised our Daughter that if anything happened to us, she'd Raise the G-Kid Force, and she meant it... that has always been Comforting.
She had moved to Texas just after finding out about her illness, but she kept the cards close to her chest, wanting to conceal her decline from me and others, also to spend time with some of her Adult Children and Grandchildren who'd moved there. Time was now ultra Precious to her after all. She has now lost over a hundred pounds... we're both big gals in our Older Age and always on a Diet, so I had thought she'd finally found a way to lose and keep the weight off! In fact I had previously Congratulated her about getting her Girlish Figure back and how Proud I was of her for 'Maintaining' it... little did I know it was due to Terminal Illness, now I feel like crap for being so Happy for her about it and am concerned she's lost so much due to being ill and not intentionally.
This obviously has been going on a long time and she'd shouldered the burden of it alone, without my Help, to Spare me and not put this on me... and I felt just awful about that. She'd concealed it from the rest of her Family too so that we all wouldn't be dwelling on it, she'd kept it to herself... and only now felt we all needed to know the Truth. I've had a Good Run she said... yes, she certainly has had a very Full, Colorful and Interesting Life...
She doesn't know how long she has, she didn't want an 'expiration date', which is so like her. So she refused to have the Docs project one... she also doesn't want the suggested treatments or surgeries since quality of life is more important to her than quantity and right now she doesn't feel very 'sick'. So she wants to plough thru some of her 'bucket list' we'd comprised together and often talked about, while she still can. She's going for it and will continue to Live Life fully, as she always has. And she still has Plans to come out and stay with us... I'd like that... I want to be there for her as much as she wants to be here for us.
And be as candid and Real as we always have, now discussing her Final Wishes with those of us she knows will follow thru with it on her behalf when the Time comes. Crazy last wishes, which is to be expected, she'd have it no other way... I just don't want it to be real soon, I NEED her in my Life... she is Irreplaceable and our Relationship is Priceless. So, I for one am Hoping and Praying for a Miracle... and I really Hope God doesn't need her more in Heaven than we need her to remain right here with all of us. I Love you Kathie...
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian