Ah, yes, even though most days I 'Feel' like Death warmed over, and am dealing with each new crisis in Zombie Mode, I'm still totally reveling in Escaping to our Home Cocoon at the end of each tiring day now that we have it Decorated for the upcoming Holiday early. I have a full Month or more in which to languish in the Ambiance before we will switch it up for Christmas after Celebrating Thanksgiving.
Yes, the Holidays... I'm Wondering how we'll split them this year between Home and where ever the VA Placement is for The Man? My Anxiety levels whilst awaiting adequate Placement have been over the top since everything is supposed to happen at warp speed once it is determined that where ever he is now is no longer where he can be due to Insurance Pressures. Dealing with ridiculous Time Constraints and a Posse of Social Workers and Case Managers to make Changes on the turn of a dime while awaiting the contradiction of Approvals and Qualifying Factors from Beaurocracies that move at the speed of Death has been exhausting!
Visiting potential Facilities to Tour and ask Questions only to then be Declined because they either cannot meet him at his point of need, or Financial Issues and existing Government Contracts preclude them being viable options.
I'm trying to look at each Closed Door as a Blessing in Disguise... a sign perhaps that it wouldn't have been the best and most appropriate Placement anyway and Trusting that the Lord will Guide our Steps towards where he should be and Open that Door regardless of any obstacles that threaten to stand in the way. It just brings up a lot of Raw Emotions and De Ja Vu about what we went through only two years ago with Mom no longer able to sustain Independant Living or be Cared for by Family and not being Wealthy enough for Options... and around a decade ago with Dad when he was dying and had faced Financial Bankruptcy due to Medical Expenses and the VA not covering everything he needed anymore even though he had Twenty-Seven Years of Honorable Service to Country.
It's not a Process anyone is actually ever adequately prepared for... and making decisions for Vulnerable Adults or Children is always such a heavy burden because you want to get it absolutely right and in everyone's best interest. Especially theirs since they have no Voice... but not forgetting about yourself either, because you could get Lost in the minutia of it all and be the last one anyone thinks of or cares about as a Caregiver. You'll have that Reality Check when you get told some pretty crazy stuff in order for The System to Attempt to save themselves Money and dump it all on Family if they can possibly think they can get away with it!
Thankfully I am not easily duped and this isn't my first Rodeo with Placements so I've discovered the tricks and the intimidation tactics Families will often face in The Process... I've learned to Cultivate Contacts and know our Rights and the Laws governing such things... that's vital or you could end up with a real Horror Story and absolutely no Help that was allegedly Guaranteed, Promised and never shows up or falls away when your Case slips thru the cracks and they forget about you and yours.
Yes, you better have your Game Face on and be prepared for fierce Battles, because they're Guaranteed to come... and to be forewarned is to be forearmed my folks always told me. But I must say that there will always be those Compassionate Souls with Influence that the Lord will also put in your Path, learn to recognize them and be humble enough to Receive Help when it is extended and could make a crooked and long Journey straighter and shorter. Don't be afraid to Receive Favor, because although Favor is never Fair, it is always a Blessing, ALWAYS, because it is FAVOR! I call in all the Favors I can without any apologies and have as many in my Armory as want to Fight alongside me.
It takes Special and Brave Souls to want to Invest themselves in someone else's Battles though, because everyone is probably already fighting some of their own, so it is always going to be Sacrificial to join forces as a Volunteer. I Appreciate those who have Volunteered their Time and Talents to Assist us. I've always Advocated for and joined ranks with others in Need to the best of my Abilities, Experience and Knowledge, so I do Believe I've got Good Karma coming back to me when I am in Need and fighting a fierce battle of my own. Often Help comes from the most unlikely places and sources though, placed in your Path through Divine Appointment.
Grace and Mercy show up just in Time, I just have to learn not to wind myself up waiting for the Arrival, which usually is in the eleventh hour, so it can make for some tense 'Being Still' and waiting on the Lord when it's so close to the wire. Knowing that if God doesn't show up on our behalf, with the reinforcements with flesh on, we are screwed since there usually is no Plan B in place. Or at least that's what you think... until you're on Plan C through Z on the Journey and realize a back-up Plan doesn't have to be known in order to exist and be revealed just in time when it's time.
I am not entirely comfortable flying by the seat of my pants in important matters, so it is difficult for me to just go with the flow and be taken along in the current without obvious life preservers in place, it makes for a scary ride and Journey into the unknown!
So I often look to how the G-Kid Force and our Cats are going about their day... not really having a Grand Plan, just the Trust that they'll be taken care of some kind of way and therefore doing what they are Purposed to do and just Be. That's harder once we reach Adulthood isn't it? We've been conditioned and trained to take care of everything or at least try to and to take control. So when things are out of our control and we can't take care of everything and that becomes obvious, fear and a certain amount of panic can set in and rest on your shoulders, causing 'Issues'... manifesting in physical, emotional and mental strain that will catch up to you.
With all the Stress and Anxiety I'm moving through I've been trying to find something that I can manage to Eat and not have to force myself to get down. Me, the Foodie, finding it that I can't eat, how ironic! Sure, I've been wanting to lose weight in what seems like forever and keep it off, but not this way. Not from finding it next to impossible to want to or be able to eat or get sufficient sleep. Hard to rejoice in weight loss if it's coming off due to Negative means like extreme Stress and intense Anxiety, knowing that it isn't at all healthy to lose it so fast and in this manner. So at 'Sprouts' by pure Serendipity I found this Pistachio Muffin.
And it was an unexpected Surprise when it brought back Special Memories because it tastes almost EXACTLY like a Special Favorite Family Recipe for Macaroons that my Dear departed Dad used to make! The Rush of Nostalgia, Comfort and Emotion, at tasting once again something that I haven't tasted now in almost a decade since Dad has been gone, brought back my appetite for a brief Moment. I really miss Dad's Special Recipe Culinary Delights that he made for us, I never thought I'd taste them in any form again! So I savored this Muffin and can't wait to go back and enjoy another one for Breakfast in the Morning!
It will be the Fuel I need to go Visit and Tour yet another potential Facility this Morning. The G-Kid Force try to Help, they 'Cook' me such things in the Microwave as Popcorn for Dinner if they see I haven't been able to eat what I cooked for them, Bless their Hearts. They Rationalize that it's probably Good for me because it's Corn... just Popped instead of on the Cob or Kernels... they have a point. *LOL* They brought Home Coupons handed out in the Hood for a Free Burrito at a Local Restaurant... I got it for Lunch... and though it was tasty I could only eat about a quarter of it. I'm not used to this kind of portion control, where I just feel full and sick trying to eat miniscule amounts of food so there's no way to eat more, I just can't.
I think I'll come around once I know The Man has Safe Placement that will leave the Children and I with enough financially to exist too and make it that I don't struggle to meet their most basic needs? I don't know any of that yet... and so it's wrecking my nerves and messing with my head as I'm trying to keep one step ahead and formulate Emergency Plans just in case everything goes totally Left!?! So we're back to the 'Being Still' part which I don't do too well... and relinquishing ALL Control and leaving it all up to Destiny... whatever that may be and hold?!? Yeah, that's scarier stuff than anything Halloween Inspired could jolt you with... and seem a whole lot Darker.
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian
It will be the Fuel I need to go Visit and Tour yet another potential Facility this Morning. The G-Kid Force try to Help, they 'Cook' me such things in the Microwave as Popcorn for Dinner if they see I haven't been able to eat what I cooked for them, Bless their Hearts. They Rationalize that it's probably Good for me because it's Corn... just Popped instead of on the Cob or Kernels... they have a point. *LOL* They brought Home Coupons handed out in the Hood for a Free Burrito at a Local Restaurant... I got it for Lunch... and though it was tasty I could only eat about a quarter of it. I'm not used to this kind of portion control, where I just feel full and sick trying to eat miniscule amounts of food so there's no way to eat more, I just can't.
I think I'll come around once I know The Man has Safe Placement that will leave the Children and I with enough financially to exist too and make it that I don't struggle to meet their most basic needs? I don't know any of that yet... and so it's wrecking my nerves and messing with my head as I'm trying to keep one step ahead and formulate Emergency Plans just in case everything goes totally Left!?! So we're back to the 'Being Still' part which I don't do too well... and relinquishing ALL Control and leaving it all up to Destiny... whatever that may be and hold?!? Yeah, that's scarier stuff than anything Halloween Inspired could jolt you with... and seem a whole lot Darker.
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian