*BEWARE!!! Morbid Post Disclaimer!*
I'm so glad that SWEET SALVAGE is so close to both the Trauma Center... and the VA Hospital, which I've also been visiting regularly to try to coordinate Long Term Care options... because the bad news keeps coming, which I can't discuss. The necessity of Long Term Care itself can create a Panic Attack since the cost for any far exceeds total income. Which leaves the G-Kids and I potentially totally screwed and penniless, that thought is daunting when you're still raising a young Family, especially Children with considerable Health Issues and Special Needs themselves. It's a lot to wrap my Mind around all at once as the burden of it is dumped on me in seemingly endless bales.
So without the benefit of the brief Escapes to lose myself in, I might have folded up like a deck of cards already and not been able to nor wanted to go on. Now, that is not to say I haven't had my 'Moments' of Breaking Down completely and Feeling Overwhelmed whilst Dealing with complete Insanity. Especially since both G-Kids have been folding up like a deck of cards daily because this has been too much for a Child to bear and deal with already... without even knowing the grim back end details I've Sheltered them and The Man from, they don't need to know, it's too much for me to even Process.
But I've managed to reel myself back in to continue to keep it together and hold it down, while navigating 'The System' and it's complexities and obstacles, due to having somewhere to Escape to briefly, whilst dealing with the situations and holding back the Feelings of Hopelessness and utter Despair. And lean heavily upon the Lord for Mercy and Grace just to get thru each day.
I understand that it is particularly vital to find something to be Thankful for each day in the midst of dark situations that could threaten to destroy you and everyone and everything you hold Dear and Sacred. You have to keep doing what is right and in the right Spirit to the best of your abilities. That right Spirit part can be a particular Challenge when you're told absurd things by those within 'The System' that absolutely leave you speechless, well, if you want to say anything Positive that is! As you're being given horrible catastrophic news, slews of paperwork that will bury you in further Bureaucracy, new phone numbers, people and Agencies to now follow up and deal with and the disclaimer of, "Good luck with that and I Hope it all works out...", NOT what you want to hear and instills no Hope whatsoever that it will, with 'The System' as it now stands.
And then there are the contradictions in 'The System' that can make your blood boil and are in your face, a slap in the face really. At the Trauma Center just a few rooms down was a Patient from the Department Of Corrections with a two to three Man armed Police twenty-four hour Escort assigned to the room... surely prohibitive Expense for someone to Pony Up, not the Criminal though. I am quite certain that the Criminal will receive the same expert level of Care that The Man will receive, but at Taxpayer Expense {ie: you and I}, and without all the rigamarole and qualifying factors to Services that law abiding Citizens contributing to Society in Positive ways have to go through to receive theirs. So not fair, right?
The Man served thirty-nine years of Honorable Military Service to his Country and is a 100% Disabled Veteran who Sacrificed much... even before this catastrophic turn of events. But Earned Benefits have been eroded continuously though, leaving us with making do with whatever Benefits are left and usually cost more than we can possibly afford anyway, and I find it Irritates me, way too much at times, because of the Injustice of it.
So the Security for Veterans and their Families and the Contractual Promises made have been broken and mostly rescinded... even though the Veterans fulfilled theirs, it is a disgrace and I don't mind saying so. I feel helpless to make a Change alone, but I've signed all the Petitions against it that Veteran's Advocates are Valiantly fighting for, like another War the Veterans have to go through on their own soil, WOW! After all, what have I got to lose by speaking the Truth... looks like we'll potentially lose everything anyway, even if I kept quiet. Things are only as Sick as their Secrets... maybe some things should be Exposed so it can be brought to Light and Cleaned up... one can only hold out Hope that it will one day. If you can't get Help you just hold onto Hope all the tighter, because it's all you've got to hang on to.
The irony for me is that I used to have Long Term Health Insurance years ago, I'm proactive and Responsible like that. But I had to cancel it once The Man got so sick and Veterans had to begin paying for Medical Insurance and transport to the VA Hospital clear downtown isn't always possible in a Medical Emergency. And then of coarse we inherited the G-Kid Force to support and raise, so I could no longer Work a Career that could pay for the Long Term Care Premiums since Child Care for Special Needs Children is difficult to acquire or afford IF you can even find it.
Our total income drastically diminished with me not able to work full time and losing my Employee Benefits, added Dependants and Medical Costs escalating that we didn't expect to have to pay for given previous Military Contractual Promises of Healthcare for Life for Veterans and their Spouses. So Long Term Care wasn't high on the list of Necessities of just trying to support a Family on a Disability Income now... it simply wasn't affordable anymore... any more than Long Term Care would be. So you just Hope you never need it... and that you never get really Sick or have a Catastrophic Event while you're on the 'Hurry Up And Die Plan' with Reduced or Nonexistant Benefits and Disqualifying Factors for most Aide Programs.
I'm not sure what the Answers are to Health Care Reform that would actually create Affordable Care for everyone... I hear all the Political bantering and posturing in Washington, D.C. and in the Media, with very little Unity on Solutions but trillions of dollars being thrown at it. Though I don't know a single Soul with Medical Needs and inadequate or nonexistant Medical Coverage actually receiving the benefit of that alleged Funding.
I guess somebody got the money, I just know it wasn't any of us. I'd like to see that trail though to see where it led and there being some accountability for it... but we probably never will have full disclosure. I won't be surprised, not because I'm a Cynic, I try to be an incurable Optimist, but I've seen the Track Record of Political debacles, so I'm just being Realistic. As 'Joe Public' based on observations of what has already played out and been Revealed to us, and knowing that much more hasn't or ever will be.
And so I place my Trust in God alone, because my Dear Ole' Dad always said to me that where ever you place your Dependancy ultimately Controls you... so depend on God alone. That was Sage advice, Dad was Wise and didn't want us to grow up to be Fools or Sheep led to the slaughter blindly by placing Trust or Dependancy on the temporal.
And so, being in a very Dark State of Mind, it was actually fitting to be surrounded by Dark Beauty and Dark Inspiration... and strangely Therapuetic. Because there CAN be Beauty in Darkness, it just often has to be seen that way on Purpose, its not usually as evident as the Beauty in that which is Light and Ethereal... and honestly, not everybody can find it in the Darkness, it's often an acquired skill to. There will be those that will Wonder how can anyone find Beauty amid that which is Ugly and Hideous in Nature... be it Situations, Circumstances, People or actual Things. Well, you can't always see it thru Natural Eyes, but more from Within and what it COULD be.
The Possibilities and Potential, the Beauty amid the Ashes. After having spent a rather unproductive Morning at the VA I spent some Quiet Reflective Time at SWEET SALVAGE having a Mental and Physical Escape from Reality for a brief Moment in Time to Restore and Refresh. Surrounded by Haunting Beauty, Dark Beauty, it gave Strength to go into the Darkness with a Lighter Spirit. To pick up the G-Kid Force and hear that another day at School hadn't gone well... and then go to the Trauma Center to visit The Man... to hold his hand and look into his Eyes and be Grateful that we still have him to Cherish and Love on this side of Time and Eternity... and him having us, even though we're all a Hot Mess at the Moment.
And know that when it's Time to leave again, he will be lamenting not being able to come with us... and Princess T will hang onto him for grim death and want to stay at his side there so that he won't Feel Forgotten or Scared without any of us. And Prince R will race far ahead so that I won't see a 'Man In Training' Cry. And it will all tear my Heart into a million and one pieces because there is nothing at all that I can do to 'fix' the situation, just bear it, with Grace and as much Dignity as we have left.
And urge The Son and the G-Kid Force daily not to lose Faith or Hope... because that is our Armour and what the Enemy seeks to rob us of most of all as Life comes against us. Because it is only through Faith and unwavering Hope that we remain Up by it and know that it WILL Hold and Sustain us through all Trials. I can't even Imagine what going through anything substantial without Faith and Hope would be like, I never want to know. Hopelessness is always stalking you when you're pressed above measure and beyond strength though, it will attempt to chip away at your Faith and your Hopes.
The Son Confessed the other day that his Faith was being severely Tested more than ever in his Life. He was Ashamed that he had stopped the Car the other day and gotten out to just yell and rant at God angrily, like a Crazy person there beside the road with traffic speeding by gawking at him... and ask Him WHY?! He asked what did He want of us that we haven't already given, being a deeply Spiritual Family that has always tried to Serve Him with all of our Hearts, Time, Talents and Treasures? Even though he confessed he was not at all claiming to be perfect and unblemished by any means. He Wondered if there was something God was particularly mad at and punishing him and us for? And that some, knowing our devout Faith, were mocking and asking him where is his God now in all of this? I could tell he was looking to me for the answers, since he hadn't heard a direct Divine Voice in his Spirit yet about those quite valid and Spiritually Heavy Questions to Ponder.
I had no adequate Words really... but it helped that Princess T, with the Innocence and Pure Faith of a small Child, was nearby belting out her Praise and Worship Songs from Church with all her Heart as she played and left it all up to God to sort out on our behalf. I reminded him that she's going through too... and is doing only what is Expected of us as Believers, sending up Praise and Worship that He is Worthy of regardless of Circumstances. Because Faith and Love cannot be Conditional or Situational upon Conditions and Situations, or it isn't really Faith or Agape Love at all, is it? And there's never a Testimony that gives Him the Glory without the Test that our Faith Walk in Action presents as His Witness here on Earth to others... and you never know whose looking and benefitting from it... its usually not meant for you, the one 'going through' it.
And being only human we are sometimes going to stumble and fall or even fail... the importance is not to stay down and never get back up because we succumbed to the pressures and burden of the Test and going through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, which is scary indeed. Fear is what is releasing Anger anyway... Anger is always fueled by Fear. Yes, as a Family we are certainly facing a lot of Fears, head on, and sometimes a good Rant is just what it is, a good Rant, not absence of Faith... so I reminded The Son that I've had my good Rants too that were Fear based and especially when exhausted, overwhelmed, seemingly under-resourced and fatigued during the Journey we're on.
In fact I've been having a good Rant right now, and it has been a Welcome Relief to just Keep it Real and be human about it and Release it into the Universe, since I'm a long ways off from being Saint Dawn by any stretch of the Imagination. *Smiles* This IS hard, I don't Believe it was expected or meant to be Easy for any of us... and I don't know all the WHY'S in the Grand Scheme of things or the 'Purpose' per se. It completely eludes me and so I Imagine it could be beyond my mortal comprehension and so I don't really need to know. I don't need to know a lot of things, such as why or how the air holds Oxygen, I just need to keep breathing it in and out Naturally to continue to Exist via it's Miracle.
Knowing what the Future holds might just Paralyze us from Living in and Enjoying the Moment. And that's all we have the Promise of for now, this Moment of our Life... to Live out fully and with Appreciation and a Grateful Heart. Not being Consumed by Worry and Anxieties about what could happen or if things will get worse. And it is easy to get distracted by what we see... but Faith is the Substance of things Hoped for and the Evidence of things NOT yet seen. So we have to keep our Spiritual Eyes focused ahead and not allow our Natural Eyes to bind us and hold us Hostage and have Fear devour us like the Beast that it is.
May your Spiritual Eyes not be absent my Friends... you'll need them... and may you just Enjoy the Blessing that is Living In The Moment. This Moment we will be Celebrating Princess T's Eighth Birthday Party and put all our Cares behind us for now. Making this Moment in Time count and be Memorable in a Good Way.
Blessings and Love from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian