"There's nothing more they can do... and the Doctor needs to talk to you...", as those words echoed in my ears and trickled into my Psyche Today after The Man's Marathon of VA Hospital Appointments, Time seemed to Stand Still. Very Still. I'd had to unceremoniously leave him alone at the VA Hospital inbetween the slew of back to back Appointments he had there, to go all the way back Home and Retreive the G-Kid Force after Summer Camp was over. Since I had no back-up for them Today, The Son and his Girlfriend had to Work, and I didn't think The Force would fare well languishing all day in Hospital Waiting Rooms... or hear any bad news directly. So I'd missed hearing it straight from the Source myself. Maybe that's a good thing.
The Doctor's Talk with me by Phone was akin to one of those Charlie Brown 'Peanuts' Comic Strips where they're in School listening to that faceless Teacher whose Voice just sounds like Trumpet Sounds ringing in your ears {Whaa.. Whaa... Whaa} ... probably because none of it is what you want or really need to hear right now. At least not if you want to Win the Fight against Hopelessness. Not if you don't want to 'Receive' even more Medical Negativity... of which there has been a Host of with this Trio lately.
Even though Allegedly there is 'nothing more they can do'... well, it seemed as though they were sure trying to Schedule and Cram in a lot... Speech Therapy, Physical Therapy, Audio Therapy, Pain Therapy, Memory Therapy, Rehabilitation Therapy and Therapies I can't even remember because I kinda Shut Down. Wondering how on earth I was even going to get him into the City and to the VA Hospital so often for all these Specialized Appointments... along with the Increased Counseling, Therapy and Services Prince R has to Attend... and the numerous Tests, Referral and Surgery Princess T's Pulmonologist wants to Hopefully get Approved and Done while she's still on Summer Break and before School begins again the first week in August?!?
And just to add more Drama to the Mix, my Brother had informed me that Mom had been rushed to the ER again from the Nursing Home with a Severe Infection that had been left unattended and Neglected for too long by the Home's Staff!!! Yeah, I felt like I had certainly fallen down the Rabbit Hole... I needed to take this all in and Process it without going to pieces. I bought a Sarsaparilla along with Mom's Humorous Birthday Card, which are the kind she likes... though I wanted to be drinking something much stronger and I certainly didn't Feel Humorous. But lately I've had to do a lot of things apart from how I've Felt.
I've 'Felt' like the Skin Horse in the 'Velveteen Rabbit'. Worn Out and Used Up from a Place of Love by those that I know Love me, but have taken all that I have to Give... and I know they Need more than just little Old me and it's taken it's Toll. 'Feeling' Overwhelmed, Exhausted Physically and Emotionally... and certainly on the verge of Hopelessness. I've had to remain up by Faith and Believe that it will Hold. I don't care how Spiritual you are, that is easier said or written than Done. I've cast a lot of Crap on the Lord, at least I know He can handle it... and just be Still and Wait on Him to Act on my behalf. That Waiting is a bitch. And those are my words, I haven't found that particular Verse or Scripture in the Bible... but I'm sure there's a parable somewhere equivalent or some Saint was more eloquent about that part of our job as a Believer.
I've found that every time an Opportunity presents itself for a Blessing, to move to the next level in Purpose... all Hell breaks loose too. The devil sure keeps busy and I Wish he'd go bother someone else instead of camping out on my doorstep running interferance constantly... I don't possess the Patience and Fortitude of Job... though I do Expect at least double for my Trouble as well... it's only Fair!
You see... though there has been too much Personal Drama and Medical Crisis that I have no Control over continuously unfolding at Bohemian Valhalla with The Man and both G-Kids... and certainly I've got to Deal with that as best I can, I've also tried to Balance that with some Positive Stuff. To Encourage myself by Pursuing the Positive Opportunities that Present themselves and will be a Blessing during a particularly difficult and dark Time in our Lives. And of coarse the Timing seems all Wrong since the devil has been so busy... and I could be paralyzed by Fear, sidelined and continuously Distracted with all the Crap... had I just not turned it over for the Lord to Deal with on my behalf and decided to move Forward in Faith anyway.
It seems absolute Madness, but then, the whole shebang has been absolute Madness, so why not have some Positive Madness as well as the Negative Madness... maybe it will Balance itself out better that way, who knows? I don't know, it's just a Theory I've come up with... I can't even Speculate what the Future holds? Though Clearly the Medical Community's Prognosis for The Man, The Young Prince and Princess has been particularly Grim and they appear to Expect things to get Worse, I simply Refuse to 'Receive' THAT... since I don't want to be Hopeless or throw in the towel. I Expect Miracles and Divine Intervention... I Expect Answer to Prayers... and the Lord to have my back regardless of the Outcome of how any of it plays out in the Grand Scheme of things. Obviously there's a LOT I'm Waiting upon the Lord for in Faith... and as previously mentioned, the Waiting Sucks!
So, I decided that since I cannot DO anything about the slew of Medical and/or Mental Health Issues they all have, since it's out of my hands... I'd DO what I CAN DO and have a measure of Control over... since I'm a Control Freak and all that... and spin the Carnival Roulette Wheel for Financial Peace Goals... going Forward with Expanding the Vision and Purpose I've had in my Spirit and can't Shake no matter how hard I've tried. Expand during such Uncertain Times... yeah, sheer Madness to be Called to that and have to Step out in Faith and not give in to Doubt or Fear or Fatigue... it's not as if I haven't Questioned the Timing of the Opportunities Presenting themselves NOW of all Times!?!!!
This has been me in fact a great deal of the Time when I've been pressed above measure and beyond strength... I've been a Beast Emotionally because I'm so Raw Emotionally right now. I struggle, wrestle and battle such things as Impatience, Depression, Frustration, Hopelessness, Anger, Fear, Resentment and Dealing with too much without sufficient Help... and I Wonder just who the Lord will send? Are they on the Horizon and how far off?
Is the Cavalry coming and how long and how much will I be Expected to Endure until they Arrive? They are Arriving at some point in the Future, right? I sure Hope so... though I haven't seen any with my actual Eyes, not even a Scout... but as they say, Faith is the Substance of things HOPED for, the EVIDENCE of things not YET SEEN. So I just stand on my Faith... it's all I have left right now in me... the rest has been spent... too many withdrawals and not enough deposits... Physical and Emotional Bankruptcy has taken place. So the Financial Peace I desperately need isn't just Monetary you see... though extra Cash certainly Helps... and I've got to Obtain it some kinda way.
I'm certainly NOT Obtaining it watching The Man being practically Comatose and Confused most days in his Recliner... or Forgetting to tell me that the Wheelchair they pushed him out of the VA Hospital in wasn't a Loaner or theirs, we were supposed to take it Home with us because they'd ordered it for him permanently!!! Yeah, I got THAT news from the Doc's Call just as we pulled up in front of our House over an Hour later!!! How could I know, there was a line of Old Soldiers in Wheelchairs out front waiting for Pick-Up and nobody told me... and we'd already told all his Docs that our Home can never be made Wheelchair Accessible... that's why we couldn't move Mom in!!! *Insert Huge Frustrated Sigh!* Of coarse having lucid conversations with The Man is getting more difficult and rarer, he's talking about things that make no sense to the G-Force or I so much of the time now... and that keeps him perpetually Frustrated, Angry and Aggitated. So I Hope all these Therapies can Arrest whatever is going on, I don't want to Consider how bad it could get or what we're supposed to do if it does worsen... they haven't Addressed any of THAT yet!
And I'm certainly NOT Obtaining it playing Referee with the G-Kid Force constantly... who find it very difficult to get along and play well with others or behave in a realm of normalcy Expected by most of Society... and so there's always lots of fussing, fighting, disobedience, mood swings, tears and tantrums going on. The Pulmonologist suggested I get The Princess 'Tested' for Mental Health Issues as well as all the poor Child's considerable Physical Health Issues after her Surgery! *Le Sigh... yeah, that was another Conversation/Consultation I didn't wanna have or hear!* And it's not as if I haven't Suspected or made similar Observations myself... as other Teachers and Doctors have also and Voiced. Considerable Experience and Hereditary Factors haved 'Schooled' me Well in this after all, to definitely Notice and Tune into it... and I know early Diagnosis lends itself to the best possible results even though there's no Cure. I just wanted to Believe at least for a while that perhaps it wasn't what it Appeared to be and she was just battling the considerable Physical Health Issues.. and it usually isn't Conclusive until a certain Age anyways in the realm of Mental Health Identifying Factors... so just for the sake of my own Sanity perhaps and a Hope for a Brighter Future for her I have been in a Denial of sorts. The Man and The Young Prince's Emotional/Mental Unraveling and downward spiral have been quite enough for now.
And so I've decided to Obtain it through Working towards an Enlarged Vision, Expanding a Dream, doing what I Love and Feel Purpose to DO, Sustaining Hope, but in a way that still allows me to put Family First and Deal with their Situations daily. And yet still finding a way towards that Financial Peace... by Receiving Deposits Emotionally, Physically and Financially to Replenish what is being constantly Withdrawn and leaving me Empty and Bankrupt on all fronts. So when a Perfect Showroom suddenly became Available and I was drawn to it strongly and it just Felt Right in the midst of all that is going so wrong... I went Hard for it... and Immediately Received it... which HAS to be a God Thing the way it all fell into place and worked out in my Favor! Welcome to Showroom #133 at THE BRASS ARMADILLO WEST... And NO, the hideous Green Paint wasn't me *LOL*... it was left by the previous Tenant... we'll just have a 'Make It Work' Moment as the Transformation will take place! *Winks* All that Wall Space to the Right is mine too and was given with the Showroom!
In the midst of so much Negativity it was a Ray of Sunshine, something to Feel Positive, Excited and Hopeful about! And strangely, there was no Fear or Doubt about it, it was with complete Clarity I made the decision... which was very Strange indeed given the Circumstances and Chaos in my Personal Life right now! Because obviously the Timing couldn't have been more out of Place and so in my Head had I just been Logical about it, I might have Hesitated and thought up a Host of Excuses and Cons NOT to step out in Faith and just go with what I felt in my Spirit so Strongly. Spirit prevailed. I Love that this Showroom has lots of built-in shelving for Vignettes and Smalls... so I can declutter my other Showroom which does not... and bring more Inventory in which has languished at Home because there was no room for it in my other Spaces.
I also liked that except for the hideous half-finished Green paint job, the previous Vendor hadn't done anything to it, so it is a Blank Canvas, just like my other Showroom was... which is Perfect, since I like a Raw Blank Canvas to build my Vision upon. Things that most View as Negatives I've always Viewed as Positives and Opportunities actually... so Critics have never swayed me. And look to the Left... see that doorway? It's part of my New Showroom too!
A Bonus Room with Shelving clear up on all sides to about eight feet high! And this Awesome Huge Old Industrial Light on a Timer that Illuminates this Room!!! Previously used merely as Closet Storage it's not calculated into the Square Footage so it is indeed a Bonus Room and I have a Specific Exciting Vision for it as Retail Space!
In fact, this New Showroom is Planned to be my Laboratorie of sorts... to Experiment with Design, Decor, Aesthetic, Style, Fashion, Inventory, Art and whatever else I want to go much more Avant- Garde, "My Style" and "Dark" with than my other Showroom, which is doing Well. But which, isn't Refined and Loosed to totally being "My Style" for Practical Reasons Business wise. But this Showroom is such a Bargain that I can just do my own 'Thing' with it and throw Caution to the Wind... which is very Liberating as an Artist and Entreprenuer.
I can allow the Mad Scientist within me to come out and Play... starting with the Colors that will dominate the Room... Black, Antique Gold and White... and maybe some of that hideous Green because I don't do well with Heights and it's a High Room so we'll just Make it Work as Tim Gunn would Advise. *Smiles* I might actually start being a hideous Green Advocate who knows? *LOL, just Kidding!* And that Vintage Embalming Prep Bottle with a Baby Logo is perhaps the CREEPIEST THING I've ever seen!!! Yet, Fascinating... in a Morbid Dark Humor kinda way... Thank God it was too Expensive for me to buy since I'm Feelin' very Dark and Morose lately! *LOL*
Hey, if you're not busy doing Something, you're busy doing Nothing... I suddenly Feel very Free to Go for It... the Lease is Monthly and I have nothing to Lose at this point and everything to Gain. Not to mention the G-Kid Force ADORE Assisting Gramma in her Retail Ventures and it keeps them Delightfully Occupied and from having Idle Hands which are the devil's workshop. So the Young Prince got busy with a Mop and Air Freshner the Morning I Signed my Lease to make the New Showroom Spotless since it was quite a Hot Mess after the other Tenant had moved out... the Images I Shared are 'After' Photos.
They are Excited to be my Design Team... and they Work for such things as Silly Putty and Polly Pocket Accessories... so it's all Good! *Winks* After Princess T's round of Pre-Surgical Tests and Labwork Tomorrow Morning we'll head out to the Showroom armed with buckets of Paint... Exotic Gypsy Trim... and the Delightful Scent of Moroccan Bazaar Febreze {which I Cornered the Market on when it was a Seasonal Fragrance before unfortunately being discontinued}. Stay Tuned for Updates in the Process, Reveal and the Grand Opening of the Positive Madness...
NOTE: Beautiful Dia de los Muertos Skullies Created by The Creative Native, Yaqui Artist Ben Molina and other Fab Inventory pictured can be found at either the Goodyear or the Phoenix BRASS ARMADILLO Locations!
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian