Well... it is getting closer to Halloween, so I suppose a Dark Post is somewhat apropos.
And besides, I need a good Rant... even though typically I attempt to keep my space here light, uplifting, inspiring and positive.
But not today... because I'm not feeling it today... but I'm trying to... and slowly I'm getting there.
Disclaimer: So... if a Dark Post would disturb you, just enjoy the pretty pictures & skip the storyline today... because I just need to put 'feelings' in print & release them into the Universe so I can move forward with less weight to my Spirit... and Let Go of the burdens... a good Rant is cheaper than Therapy... *Winks*
Today is in fact our youngest Daughter's 30th Birthday... and I wish with all my Heart I could be with her to celebrate that milestone, but I can't... most of the time we don't even have a way to get in touch with each other... and over time I've gotten somewhat used to that... somewhat...
Though recent Photos... a Letter... and a couple of short hurried International Collect calls that neither of us could afford helped ease some of the heavy Heart, the pain & concerns... but only some of it...
And though I Love the G-Kids we're raising with every ounce of my Being... there are some days I'd just like to be a regular Gramma to them... and have them over for those special times to spoil & indulge them like Grandparents should be able to... and send them Home when I'm worn out & tired. But that's not an option, they are Home... and so where would I send them on days when I'm feeling too old to do this anymore... and the demands of raising a pair with special needs seems rather daunting or just plain overwhelming?
On days when I'm just not up to the job of raising young children at this advanced Season of Life where its not a normal or typical progression of Parenting. Where on a fixed income it becomes a particular challenge to still be raising any child, let alone those deemed to have a lifetime disability that requires higher maintenance, expenses & care than usual & where Day Care isn't even an option at any price.
Where I get yet another frustrating letter from the State informing us that the time limit for assisting Custodial Grandparents has now been narrowed to 24 months and I'm on my 4th Appeal for an extension and rather angry, weary and fed up of battling The System and the broken dog and pony show it has become to receive the paltry amount of help it was offering & now wants to take away completely. *Le Sigh* But Thanks for allowing me to get THAT off my chest! *LOL*
I'd like to enjoy Empty Nest Syndrome... yes I said it... and for all of you lamenting having an Empty Nest & shaking your heads, well, if doing the Math for you meant it might not happen until you're in your 70's too, perhaps, if you even last that long... you might understand why it's more a pipedream for us that we fantasize about than a reality anytime soon, or ever... and that it can be disheartening at times because we'd like to enjoy each other exclusively before we die & pursue some of the Dreams for Retirement & our Golden years that we once had & have now all but given up on.
And perhaps I'm feeling more drained & vulnerable than usual because I just got The Man out of the VA Hospital... AGAIN... which was another of a long History of scares about his Health and well being. And while I was dealing with his frightening Medical Emergency & Admission to the Hospital I was also dealing with a G-Child in tow that was so anxious & stressed out about Grandpa that he was vomiting everywhere... the Hospital ER... in my Car... all over the House once we got Home after a grueling several hours at the Hospital & finally rolling Home sans Grandpa at almost Midnight... Joy... Joy...
Because you see, I can sometimes get a Dear brave Soul of a Friend or Relative to take one of them for a brief while so I can enjoy a short respite or deal with other crisis at hand... but we've yet to find ANYONE who can deal with BOTH of them.
So perhaps I am earning my Sainthood and coping better than I'm giving myself credit for since I do it 24-7 and usually for 5-7 months of the year as a Single Parent. *She pats herself on the back as she takes another sip of Wine now that everyone is tucked into bed... Winks*
{Kathie's wee Sweet G-Baby Princess A.B. & yep, Great Aunt Dawn bought the outfit! Winks}
Oh, and a Special Thanks to my Dear Sista Kathie who was volunteering to keep the Beast Princess T for me {who was being particularly Beastly... Full Moon you know... Smiles} through all of this even though it was HER own Birthday yesterday and she already had 3 G-Kids of her own she was caring for... you ARE already a Saint Girlfriend! Yes, there is comfort in knowing I'm not the Lone Ranger... props to every other G-Parent raising or helping to raise their Beloved G-Kids... I feel ya...
And I was informed that Mom is in a Nursing Home in Cali now and not doing so well... nor is my Little Bro' after his serious car accident... so it was not the best few days for yours truly... and the bad news kept coming and coming and coming... in waves...
And I'd like to be able to tell you I rolled with it and behaved admirably... but that would be a lie... after a while I started having a meltdown... and wallowed in self pity... and got angry... which you know what anger is don't you... fear & hurt in a thinly veiled disguise...
And I was a Beast myself and rather unlovely at times as my strength waned & my nerves frayed...
And Prince R spiraled out of control as he sometimes does and there was no reeling him back in...
And it felt rather surreal, like one of those episodes of the Twilight Zone with no means of escape... and a very bad story unfolding that you don't even want to be a part of... And you just want to pull back into your Shell like an old Turtoise...
And everything Gramma tried just wasn't working out... even with the best of intentions to distract and try to cope...
But my... he was Green... Green Eyes... Green Shirt... Green Butterfly sticker... Green Slurpee stained tongue... and sometimes in spite of myself and my crappy feelings I still found myself Smiling...
Yep, I bought the ticket so I guess I'm on for the whole ride... are we having fun yet?
And yet, even in the tangled Web of Life there can be Beauty in the apparent chaos & nail biting moments... where you feel you might fade... or faint... or throw in the towel... or go on the warpath... or a good rampage being very dramatic, I'm actually very Gifted at going on good dramatic rampages in fact, I think I am a Natural at it! *LOL*
So especially when I'm feeling my feelings I am intent to look for that Beauty under pressure and experience it too... however elusive it might seem...
And not allow the Monsters to consume us during the Trials & Sorrows... or be a victim... but instead count on the Victory eventually... even if the odds seem stacked against us and the adversaries are larger than Life...
And gather up those Blessings that do come our way and be Thankful for them... accepting them graciously and with Humility and a Humble Heart... not expecting to do it all, acknowledging that you can't and that everyone has limits and breaking points...
I recognize when I've come up against mine... and lean on Faith and miraculous provison for those times when my strength is not nearly enough to get us through the Dark Times... And yes, that was ME blowing Bubbles... I like to do silly pleasurable things when up under pressure... and I must say, Princess T's Bubble Soap & tiny Bubble Wand created a Magical Mass of Miniature irredescent Bubbles that filled the room! And here's a Visual... me balancing small Egg Shaped Bubble Container & Wand in one hand while blowing the Bubbles... and trying to snap a pix of it for you with the other hand... what a Multi-Tasker I envision myself as being in a delusional moment! *LOL*
And Trust that the Tests produce Fruits of the Spirit that perfect us, revealing ourselves with more clarity so that we can appreciate our strengths and acknowledge our weaknesses & even some of the ugliness we might have stuffed & concealed, but which eventually comes out since we all have our Dark side & its never pretty when it surfaces. But the Tests give us the most powerful Testimonies and empathy for others who are also going through... and often our Misery becomes our Ministry of sorts...
Because I have found it to be True that whatever doesn't kill us tends to make us stronger... and we often experience the most growth in the fertility that the manure of Life provides... *Winks* Because untested Faith... well... is it really Faith at all? So in order to develop our Faith it must be exercised... so that it can grow from weak or small...
... To strong & large...
And be evident to others... as an encouragement perhaps... and a more powerful Witness...
And certainly there are times when I feel I'm one of the ones that falls out of the comfort & safety of the group and becomes isolated... disconnected and exposed to the dangers being separated and potentially picked off poses... when under attack...
And it is usually then... when I almost give up... and surrender my Will and line up with His Will that He Lifts me back up and puts me back where I belong... in the Safety of His Shadow and Protection...
And I realize that as a fragile Being I was never made to be Called to perfection... but to Faith... and to run my race to the best of my abilities, with the right Heart, Spirit and with Obedience... which is always better and more pleasing than sacrifice...
And though I might want to soar with the freedom & carefree Spirit of a Butterfly all of the time...
It is really in those moments of feeling trapped, caged, powerless, confined & limited... that I can experience the most profound Freedom of all... of letting go and letting God...
Because at the foot of the Cross the ground is level and everyone is Welcome to Receive His Grace, Love, Mercy and Power and Light... and I'm ever so Thankful for that Precious Gift... because you never really fully appreciate the Light until you're in a really Dark place...
May His Light always be a Lamp unto your feet on this Journey of Life
Blessings... Dawn... The Bohemian
*NOTE: Fabulous Giant Wooden Bug Art & today's Velvet Pumpkins can be seen at THE DESERT BOTANICAL GARDENS in Phoenix*